Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Fall is here!

Halloween is just around the corner, the leaves have fallen off the trees, Jack frost is already nipping ever so slightly at our noses, yup... fall is here. I do love fall so it doesn't make me all that sad. It is a humbling time where the world shed's its proverbial skin in preparation for a rejuvenation in 4 to 6 months. I love the smell, the crispness of the air in the mid afternoon, the colours of the trees and the air (yes, that seems to change colour too!), the feeling... I love it all. I remember when I was little, the smell of fall reminded me of school and how happy I would be to get back to seeing my friends everyday and the new scribblers and pencils (erasers, markers, crayons, rulers... I have always had a thing for stationary!). Oh how I loved fall when I was little. The piles of leaves to play in, the new friends from school, and skating... oh the skating...

I remember walking into the arena on the first day of skating for the season... the smell of the ice, the weight of my bag, the smile on my face. I could hardly WAIT to lace up my skates and take that first glide on the clean sheet of ice... the crackle from the skates cutting the ice, the feel of the breeze once I got some speed... I was often the first person on the ice the first day of the season. It would have taken the small pox to keep me from it! I loved those days! I would work all season to achieve a goal with determination and passion and once I achieved that goal I would rejoice, celebrate, and make a new goal. Always a new goal.....

It was like that when I got back to skating this past season as well... I so anticipated the feel of the ice beneath my blades, the confidence of the edges and the breeze on my cheeks, I have not been disappointed. Although I forgot the pain that is associated with the skates and the falls (they seem to hurt more the older I've gotten), and I don't have the confidence with everything like I used to have, nor do I have as many goals, but I am sure with time that will all come to pass and I will feel like that little girl standing at the edge of a fresh sheet of ice with nothing but her hopes, dreams and goals.

In a funny way, that little girl has never changed. I am so goal oriented it is an obsession really. I have hardly set a goal that I have not achieved one way or another. For me, fall is time to set goals and start being motivated on achieving them. As it has been for years, a goal I am still working on (be it slowly) is to run a marathon... Derek and I are talking about 2010 in Iceland (I hope, I hope!!) for Canada's Team Diabetes. Right now I am going to focus on running a 1/2 marathon and see how I do! Another goal, to see all the wonders of the world (new and old)... I have seen 3 new and 2 old... 2011 is the year when we are planning on doing a fair bit of travelling so I am sure this goal can hold us until then! Another goal, the West Coast Trail... this had to get postponed this past summer because my niece was sick so I believe it is still on the agenda for this summer...... let the planning begin!

So much to do, so little time... that is just the way life is. It makes me laugh to myself sometimes when I think of that girl skating to every song that played on the speakers, loving that moment like it was her last, feeling peace in all parts of her world. It makes me laugh because that girl has always been me, in the good times and the bad, and always will, on or off the ice. It is the tiny moments of perfection in life that matter to me and that make life so amazing and joyful. I try to look for those moments everyday.

Life can often be equated to skating... sometimes the ice is rough, sometimes amazingly smooth; when you fall, you should always get up with a smile on your face, you never know who is watching; keep going regardless, until your music is over and your program is done; the harder you work, the more you achieve... they are all chiche's for life, but they are all the honest truth... so, when life gets you down just think of a sheet of ice and all that it can hold... it can hold your world, your hopes and dreams, and it is fresh and new and beautiful... so... time to set some goals, step on the ice and make it happen... at least, its that time for me! After all... Fall is here... :o)

Friday, October 24, 2008

Just when you think you have it all!

"You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of" - Albert Camus -

WOW - that is so true. We can be so busy trying to define what we think is happiness and we get lost in trying to find it, when if you sit back at times and let life flow you truly find it. I think that when you sit back and let life wash over you, you begin to understand who you are and what you want... soemthing to achieve for sure - to relax and un-wind - just be. These days it seems like we are so terribly busy, rushing to meetings for work, having lunch meetings, conference calls at night, supper with friends, figuring out where to go on the next holiday, the never ending list of things to do and things to buy... we are just so desperatly busy... then it hits you like a hammer... are you missing things? Are you missing the stuff in life that make it so amazing? You have to sit and be still and ponder that for a second (or a minute or an hour....)

This shocked me back to reality today... when Derek sent me a link to a website he found... this is an incredible story of a local guy who was a wrestler many moons ago, Olympic bound... then he gets hurt and can't wrestle anymore, goes to law school and then discovers his is misdiagnosed and he CAN actually wrestle... he goes to the Olympics this past year at the age of 37 and lives his dream... now he's on to the next.

We look at our lives and just when we think we are doing great someone brilliant comes along and reminds us that we shouldn't settle for medicricy. There are more dreams to achieve, more mountains to climb. SO... now is the time to stop LOOKING for happiness or trying to define it and just be it! :o)

Monday, October 13, 2008

It comes barging back

The irony of my last post is that I spoke of things in the past, tragedies and sadness that come back to us from time to time. Here, lo and behold, it comes like a landslide.

When I was in high school there was this guy that died. It shook the whole school as he was a student there at the time. I will never forget the day or the way that he died. Who that was or how it happened doesn't seem important, what does is his family. I grew to know his family and even dated his brother. His memory was never forgotten. Even years after this happened, I heard of his sister by what else, Facebook. Her and I exchanged messages, and she looked like she had grown into a great, strong, caring woman. Then I found out her husband died very recently. My heart broke for her. Sometimes, as my mom says, the crosses of others are so heavy, they seem too hard to bear. Now, this dear girl is in the hospital fighting for her life after she OD'd. I guess the ones we see as the strongest have their weaknesses too. I can not express the sadness I feel... I have been thinking of it since I heard the news. The mother of those children, how devastating... the family of the husband now in jeopardy of loosing their daughter in law too. Sometimes the cross is just too heavy!

This girl, the one that is in the hospital, I always remember as being bright and energetic and determined. She was the only one of her family to graduate High School and go to College, what a feat! She got married young, but was so desperately in love with her husband, she married him in spite of his illness, and held his hand as he slipped away. She must have felt so abandoned and alone... I mean there must be more that we as a community could have done. But this speaks to my comments in my last post. We carry on with our lives and the victims of the tragedies go un noticed. Why do we let this happen? Why do we forget those who are struggling and grieving. Those are the ones that we should be helping, offering a hand up, standing beside. They are the ones that help us keep the memories of the ones that passed alive. They are the ones that are forgotten.

How sad it is for me, sitting here not knowing what I can do next. How does one help someone who doesn't have the will to go on? What must that feel like? How did we ever let a human being get to that point? This is something we all can help with - if we lend a hand, offer support, don't forget the victims of tragedy then perhaps this will cease to occur... or perhaps it is just in the books, the way the plan works, the way it was meant to be. What little we can do to help, always seems to go a longer distance than we anticipate... isn't helping what community is all about? It is about the planting of trees!

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

The thing is...

This is a quote I received from a blog that I read often. She is this funny barely 20-something in the UK whom I find amusing and politically in the know for someone her age. She said: "Anyway, I promise I'll update again soon, I have been getting the blog withdrawal shakes. If you don't know what that's like, it's basically when you walk around narrating your life inside your head trying to make it sound funny..." and it made me laugh... I DO THAT! I walk around remembering that I do infact have this diary-esque thing that I - now - rarely update and think that I should really update soon... so here I am...

I have often thought about writing about the fact that there is a nip in the air and fall is here... or that I have started figure skating again (which has been so great!!)... or that my brand spanking new husband sent me flowers for our first month-aversary (he is so sweet!).... all that is remaining in my head... what I want to write about is really 2 things... How cool it is to be quoted and then how we humans survive through some pretty tragic stuff.

My mother quoted me the other day - right from this blog actually. It was incredibly cool to know that my mom (and dad) read this as do many of you and they get me and agree with me (for the most part)... VERY COOL... (Hi mom and dad!). What we were talking about however was not so cheerful. We were chatting about how people move on, how we gather our baggage, sling it on our backs and carry on...

It has been a year since constable Warden died in Hay River, for example, and it makes me wonder how his wife is doing, how his daughter is doing... we seem to forget the victims' families after the tragedy has gone from the news. I really felt this when we were in NY and Derek and I were at the 9-11 memorial... there was an over whelming sense of loss but there was also a sense of moving on and getting on with our lives. We seem to forget about these tragedies. It is amazing, one day we think our lives are tragic and desperate but the very next day it is less so and the day after that even less. Eventually it is a memory that comes up when we see something on the TV or something is mentioned that triggers a reaction...

I think of all of this now in the time when a very dear friend of mine has lost someone very dear... it is amazing who is effected. Although who she lost wasn't as big as the twin towers toll or as tragic as constable Warden, but it hurts just the same - if not more as I am closely tied to her. Sometimes life is funny (not ha-ha) and really crappy things happen but at the end of the day I have faith that these things happen for a reason. Although that sounds cliche, the thing is, things always seem to work out the way they should be and there is a reason for it all... I guess I have to believe that, otherwise senseless losses would be just too hard to bear.

My thoughts and prayers go out to my friends... I love you and miss you and think of you often!