Saturday, August 25, 2007

Ahhhhhhhh!

It is amazing how much better I feel having ranted and raved in last nights blog. Things are good again. I have a couple projects on the go, so I have some goals now.... and they are not things that I am really talking about, as I want to make sure that they are a go before I share them with the world.
Anyways, I just want to say thank you, friends, for letting me vent and get out all the confusion that I have in my head... it was a welcomed relief!
have a happy Saturday! I know I will, the boy comes home today! We have a party tonight! Life is grand!!! :o)

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Hanging out... All by my self!!!!!!!

You know that it is in times of solitude where you realize what you are truly made of. When you are able to look into the depths of your being and analyse, perhaps over analyse, who you are, what you have become and where you are going. Here I am in solitude, no one home on a Friday night but me... and I have been pondering such questions and have come up with somewhat of a loss. That is not true... I know who I am, most days, as much as any 26 year old can I suppose. What I have become is a question I am afraid to answer, frankly because I might not like the answer, and Where I am going, I am not sure if I will EVER know the answer to that question.

What spurs this on, my dear bloggers, is a culmination of events really. One, perhaps I am a little on the edgy side seeing as I am doing a fasting cleanse and am on day 5... the toxins might be getting to my brain... two, Derek is not home, so my entertainment has left the building (and province!), it is amazing how comfortable one can get with routine and day to day life... I must say that I miss his company! (probably a good thing hey!?)... three, it has been the week of chick flicks. Honestly, I might try to fit one more in, but I just got home from the Nanny Diaries (I must say that going to the theatre alone is a freeing experience). I know that, in the movies, they all live in a fictitious world... but there is a small part of me (ok, a medium sized part of me) that wants to believe that one can go through a huge turbulent problem and in 2 hours, happily ever after ensues. There is a very large part of me that believes in happily ever after... problem is, I have no idea what that is for me. One of the movies I watched "Elizabeth town" had a fantastic line in it. The premise is the male character failed miserably in his job and the female character said this to him... I want you to sit in the "deep beautiful melancholy of what's happened to you", and then move on. What a beautiful line. We can not fully move on unless we know where we have been, and until we bask in the 'beautiful melancholy' of that, we can not fully be released from it. My writing this is to not do that, for I feel I have, and for the most part am choosing not to wallow on that point as I have for the past 2 years. What is done is done. My problem is, where do I go from here. What is my Happily Ever After, will I find it? Or will it pass me by before I realise what it actually is.

The world is your playground and everything in it (or something like that)... but what in this world do I want to do, where is this playground I am supposed to be on? I know that I don't want to be an assistant forever, so that leaves me with........ a multitude of options! I know that I should be SO thankful to have as many options as I do... and I am. I just don't know what option to take. I could continue on the path to Law School... but 4 years of school seem really ominous and well, LONG. I could go to grad school, but really what does one with a Masters in Sociology do? Go and get a doctorate! Well... that is 4 years more of schooling... back at square one. I could go and get my mediators certification, which is a very viable option... but I would have to take time off work for that, sacrificing my coveted vacation days (one must make sacrifices I suppose!). I could go to Africa, or some other foreign land and volunteer... but some say that I am a Princess and feel I can not hack the wilderness... not that I should let them sway my goals... who are THEY anyways!!! :o) I could sell everything I own and travel the world, making my way as I go along... learning the culture and language and just living, but then what do I do when I return... because one can't be a Gypsy forever in foreign lands, one has to eat! I want a bigger house, with pictures on the walls, and a kitty and plants and beautiful things. But I also want to explore the world... soak up the scenery, roam every square inch of the globe! I just feel stifled right now - in that my thoughts are on other things I could be doing and not being satisfied with what is right now. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for my job, happy to have a great house, am so in love with my partner in crime, Derek... it is just, I remember feeling this when I was in school... the "What was I going to do when I grow up feeling". I know that I will never grow up... but it just seems that I can't do all the things I want - lacking money, time and energy... not will or a partner to do them with!

It may seem like I am complaining, and that wasn't the purpose of this rant... the purpose of this rant is to make me feel better, more solid in what I want or what I feel. I don't know what to do. I know that I should analyse each option, discuss it with my partner and go from there. But a small part of me wants to sell everything we own and run off into the sunset and learn to surf in Costa Rica, and learn to pick grapes on a vineyard in France and learn to ski like a pro in the Alps, and ride a camel through Africa (even if they are smelly, vile creatures... they are intriguing). I want to see the Taj Mahal, and the pyramids, sit in Red Square and walk on the Great Wall of China, skate on the Eiffel tower, eat pasta on Cinque-Terre... the list is endless. I want to see them all tomorrow... and I really wish I could. Perhaps the problem is that I have the travel bug really bad and have just realised that money does not in fact grow on trees and time does not stand still. I can still remember (parts of) my 19th Birthday... and it seemed just yesterday. But this December I will be 27 - which is an age that one should have an accomplishment or two at... and I look back and frankly I don't see much! (how did I get from there to here.......) I know I finished school (and am SO thankful that I did) but it seems that life got ugly after that. Life stopped having a goal after that. Life stopped being full of youthful innocence. Life got way harder. I don't know if I was prepared for that. I still don't think I am. I want to some days run back to the period of my life where I would work 3 jobs in the summer while off from College, and stay up until the wee hours of the morning, just hanging out... and then wake up early and do it all over again. Those carefree summers, living at home, are something that I crave at times... where I didn't have to worry about housing, food, car insurance, buying my own toothpaste!... sigh, when did I get all "big people"....

Two things in the past week have stuck in my mind. Someone telling me that I am pretty much classless and undignified, and another person telling me that I am way to much of a princess to be a gypsie. Both things I took to heart. Sometimes, the things that strangers say are the things that stick the most... they are outsiders looking in. They don't know the whole story, even though they claim to... but their opinion is based on the facts they know. I happen to think that I show class and dignity on a daily basis, BUT I should be more aware of how I say things, for as we all know it isn't really what you say, it is how you say it. As for being a princess, I know that I am a bit finicky, and honestly, this one stuck so much because it might be true. I do know that if I want to do something, then I will. Regardless of how dirty or stinky or 3rd world it may be. I have determination when I set my mind to it... I can do anything I choose, I honestly believe that... princess or not.

So, my blogging friends, I am going to stop my rant, now that I feel somewhat better, but no less certain of what path or direction I am going to go in... life is funny that way and works out, most often, for the best!! It truley has been a while since I sat and ranted online... felt good... lengthy, but good! Well, good night my faithful readers. Until next rant. Keep dreaming, I know I will!!!!

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Long time - No post!!!

Hey there my fabulous bloggers! Sorry I haven't been blogging lately... it has been so busy since we got back from Peru. It still feels like we haven't gone, and that the pictures are just delusions... I remember feeling that way after trips to Europe. It is just wild to know that we were on Manchu Picchu less than 3 weeks ago! Time goes by...

Since then we have visited the family farm for the annual Verbisky family reunion. Derek survived meeting the family... Mom, Dad, and Leigh Anne included. (He met Tom and the girlies around Christmas!) He got a tour of the family farm... complete with hay bales, some farm equiptment, horses and of course the quad... AND he got a ride on a quad for the first time........ the driver, my 12 year old cousin! What a hoot! :o)

We also got to see the princesses... and they looked fantastic! Here is a peak! This is Lily posing for the camera and this is Rowan and Aunty Jeannine snuggling and smiling. Such pretty ladies!

What else... hummm, we have watched Die Hard 4 (a good way to continue the saga!) and Transformers (which was surprisingly good). Off to watch Harry Potter this week... WAY too excited for words! What else..... oh, I got my packing endorsement. I can now pack parachutes. I promised Elyssa to not pack unless paid after my endorsement went through... I shall have to keep my word... NO parachute unless I see the coin! hehehe got that babe! :o) Honestly, I have yet to pack Derek's rig... I am scared to, I don't want to be the one to pack him a malfunction! Anyways... I have already made some money off of my 'endorsement' and I am already getting close to 20 pack jobs (17 total I think, which is good for starting 2 weeks ago and not being at a DZ much lately. Yeah for my persistance and for me not being shy... and no pack jobs for Derek!!!)

When I was driving home from Provincials about a month ago (yikes that went fast) I heard a song that I haven't heard in a long time... consider this my quote. This is my new "Theme song" (for anyone who remembers Ally McBeal... that is my salute!). I feel that now that my feelings are out to all the people I love, I can move on with things, like the song says... it is so true to how I feel. This explains a lot about how I have felt for the past (almost) 2 years... but now that I have dealt with my feelings I can finally leave my past where it belongs.

Rascal Flatts - I'm Moving On Lyrics

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on


Every time I hear this song I am motivated to be the change in the world that I would so love to be. I think we all should have something in our lives that makes us remember, and that motivates us to change. My other motivator is Always by Mother Teresa, but that motivates me to be humble and honest and hardworking and good, just like her. But that, that conversation is for another blog all together.

Goodnight all my blogging buddies, and I want to say to everyone, thank you for all your support these past 2 years. Thank you for helping with the move, helping with location, helping with advice, and helping by just loving me... couldn't have done it with out you... special thank you to Mom and Dad... really could not have done it with out you two! Love you forever, Like you for always...!