Sunday, October 29, 2006

What life should be.

It is a cold, gloomy, snowy day in Calgary... I have sat the majority of today and snuggled on my couch with the fire place on and watched movies. I have been in a dark and twisty mood today.... contenplative and quiet. I like days like today when I sit and wonder where I am going to be in 5 years, 10 years... I sometimes come to conclusions about where I want to be and what I want to do. The only conclusion I have come to today is that I want to go back to school... really want to, but I am not sure If I can. I like making money and being able to plan things and being independant... but I want to expand myself, want to learn more, I want to be the sponge again and soak in knowledge. I want to have a conversation with people where it doesn't involve work or problems... I do have one person like that, and I value that so much, but I long to discuss things in a group setting and learn new things and discover... I miss that. The problem is that I don't know if I can get in to law school (I AM going to try) and if I don't the next option would be my Masters and I am not sure I have the capabilities for that... I just don't know. I know that I want to travel too, and if I go back to school that would have to be put on hold... I don't know if I could afford it, Ahhh, I don't know... I just don't know what the future will hold for little ol' me!

I have been sitting in my solitude this afternoon. Trying to answer lifes tough questions. Trying to decide what it is that I want to be when I grow up.... and I have not come to any firm solution. Winston Churchill says that "It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time." I think that I have grasped the link to move here, get settled, and now I am going to grab the link to get into law school. I will follow Winston's advice and stop the planning there. I know that I had my whole life planned and it turned to crap... SOOOO, I am just going to let life unfold as it does, because it seems that the moments that aren't planned are always the best. I believe in destiny, I believe that life happens for a reason, and me being here, and doing the things I am doing all serve as some piece in the puzzle of life. The journey is the thing as I always say!

So.... the next piece I am sharing with you all is a little less dark than the last two I shared. It was written May 4th, 2006

Free of it all

Travelling this world solo
no cares to hold me back
Exploring, discovering the Earth again
No one to hold my hand.

The choices I've made
The bridges I've burned,
support me being here.
The plans I've made
The life I've lead,
slowly slip away.

Going from surrounded to alone
Having friends who don't care.
Once they find the truth
They'll just walk away.

Not saying goodbye, my biggest crime,
honestly how could I
Leaving quickly in the night,
Fears of being found out.

Some say it is for the best - I'm better off.
True that's for sure.
Away from the guilt of not being the best,
I can't be a better me.

I lived in a world,
No one knew me.
The honest, true me.
The inside or the outside.
Separated from my passions,
separated from myself.
I onced lived there,
Now I am free.
Free of it all!

Well blogging world... I must away. But I leave you with this thought... "Dream what you want to dream, Go where you want to go. Try to be who you really are; Because life is short, and often gives you only one chance to do things." ~unknown. Be who you really are. Live how you really want to live. Take the chances you are afraid to take, take those steps you thing are so hard, because it is through them that you triumph and honestly, that is what life should be.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

The world according to ... ME!

If I could choose to be anything (and I couldn't be me, because that would be my first choice of course!) I think I would like to be a cat... think about it. You get attention when you want it (because you just don't quit when you want a good petting), you always have food and water, and you get to lay around all day in sunbeams and you can wreck stuff and the worst you will get is a squirt of the dreaded water.... yes, I would be a cat... OR a billionaire... but really, aside from being able to communicate, travel and collect shoes, is there a difference??? :o)

So the world according to me... is pretty low key. My princess Rowan went into surgery yesterday for her eyes and things went smashingly. She is in good spirits last I heard but looks like she was attacked by some ruffians... poor little angel. I am so excited to see her now, because we will be able to see her beautiful eyes and she will be able to see better and not have to tilt her head back. I am happy that she made it out of the operation ok, and that she is going home with her daddy tonight... Fly safe guys...

Ummmm... ok, news, My Dad has been elected for his third term as a Town Councillor... Congrats Dad... and thanks for inspiring me to be political! My Mom received her certification for an International Lactation Consultant... if you are lactating, my mom is your gal! I knew you could do it.... great job mom... thanks for inspiring me to never stop learning. Finally, and less exciting, Meemo is in good health and has received his shots, he has doubled his weight in 3 weeks, the porker, and is playful and cute... aka, annoying and wrecks stuff! :o) If he wasn't so cute, he would be a rug right now... :o)

I want to share a saying I have collected and put it out to a friend, someone who is not certain where they want to be and what they want to do... "One of the best ways to win any game is to write the rules" - Michael S. Malone. There is never going to be a solid answer, or a right and wrong when it comes to what you believe your path is... you just have to go and do what you feel is right... follow what your gut tells you to do... let your senses guide you. If you are dedicated to your goal, you must be dedicated... whole heartedly, and I understand that, the determination it may take. You don't like to lose, or even come in second... so the way you can win is to play the game your way, do what it is you feel is right. Follow your heart, because if you do what you believe is right, you are never wrong!

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

My George has failed me! Sigh!

"Awww Man", was all I could say when George, my 91 Eagle wouldn't start on Sunday. After a tow truck ride he arrived at the worlds best mechanice... they are SOOO good that they didn't have to do a darn thing... he started just fine for him... freaking car! So, the only problem was the GIANT inconvenience to me... sigh, the woes of having an old car. He works now, starts just fine... weird! I hate to say it, but George will have to be replaced soon! It will be one sad day.... he has been my constant in my adult life (aside from my family of course!). He has always been there, reliable, sturdy, dependable (mostly), and now I am going to turn him in for a newer model... sigh, sometimes it totally sucks that things you love sometimes have to be replaced.

So, I am sitting alone at my computer, and pondering life... as I often do... I am compelled now, to share something with you, the world of the blog, that I have never shared with anyone... some of my latest writing. I must warn you, it isn't bright and cheerful, most of my stuff isn't, but I like these, so I will share them with you.

UNTITLED
Life is so funny
Sometimes happy,
Most times not

This barren life
in which I live
Requires solitude

Darkness is common
Happiness fleeting
Daylight is never as bright as when you are alone

People enter this world
full of hope
Not knowing their dreams are joyless

To fulfill ones dreams
solitude must enter
Not forever, for a while

Time alone is precious
Knowing oneself, vital
Surviving your dreams depends on it

Being alone is not to be feared
being surrounded isn't either
Depends on where you are, in location, in life

Solitude is not wrong,
it graces us with knowledge
The knowledge of yourself

"Don't ever loose yourself"
I heard her say
It still rings in my ears

I've never been good at it
at listening
You know she is always right

I was never right myself
never wrong either
Just alone in my convictions, my solitude, my thoughts

Being alone is not to be feared
being soul-less is
I am free from the soul-sucking captive

Free to be alone.

UNTITLED
I write of pain, of love, of fear
No one knows any deeper,
No one knows the true me
the inside

I'm driven and proud
I'm lovely and tall
I'm honest and true
you never knew this did you?

I speak of feelings, but you know
nothing is black and white
No one knows how this feels
I'm under rated

I'm passionate and loyal
I'm sincere and steady
I'm beautiful and sure
but, you never knew this did you?

Bet you never read my story,
no book speaks of me
But I am here now, strong and proud,
and you won't get me!

you won't get me now,
I'm not for you,
I'm not for anyone,
anyone but me,
But, you won't know this will you!

There you are blogging world, my outlet has been revealed. My work has been posted... Just a note, this doesn't count as a publishing my work... Perhaps oneday someone will want to read my stuff, other than those who I subject it to! Man, I could go on for days... but I wouldn't subject you to that in the first installment...

Oneday, I wish to write great, thought provoking things... much like the quotes I often share with you all... but for now, I squander my little words on a blog... and honestly, I am happy with that... for now!

Friday, October 13, 2006

Thanks!

This week, the week after Thanksgiving has caused me to reflect on Thankfulness. Indeed, it is left up to interpretation as to what Thankfulness actually is. It could be, being happy that your life doesn't suck as much as someone elses' does, being grateful for the items you posess, rejoicing with and in the people that surround you. There are many means of Thankfulness. Me. I am thankful for what I have, and being able to do the things I can (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially...), and I am VERY thankful for my family. Without them I would have shriveled up in a corner almost a year ago. I would have never pulled myself up without their acceptance and guidance, support and love. I have an amazing Mom, Dad and Brother (kisses to the princesses!)... as well as aunts and uncles and various cousins of all shapes, sizes and age.

The thing I am thankful for, and here comes the cheese... is that I can live my life. That I can fly to Edmonton to visit my parents, or take in a concert, or take pottery lessons (which I totally LOVE)... I can do the things that matter to me with out restriction, or having to explain why, and feeling good about the decisions I have made. I think one of the things I am most thankful for is the return of me... The return of the free, fun loving, adventurous, neurotic, OCD person I once was, and will be forever more. I am weird (so says many members of the free world) and I am now ok with that... infact I can dig it. I like being the one who wears a tiara in the mall, and who has a label maker, and who has 400 pairs of shoes (I WISH). I like being the one who names inanimate objects (shout out to George and Webber-Lee)... I like being the one who is up for anything, whether it be a drive to a DZ or the reptile show in Edmonton, to cleaning out your basement, to building Ikea furniture, to sommersaulting down the Mackenzie Highway... I like being me, and I am comfortable in who I am and what I want (most days I know!!! ha!). I am thankful, so VERY thankful, that I was given a change to grow from my experiences and walk away from them with far less strings than most. I am thankful I have been allowed, able, encouraged, to break through those walls I put up, and be free again to be who it is I want to be.... not what someone else wants to mold me into. I am so thankful to be happy and living and free.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Apparently, you can track me down!!!


First thing is first... I have to say... AWWWWWWW... isn't this couple cute? World, Meet Derek, Derek, Meet world! Kisses my crazy techie!!!

So I got this call the other night, Monday night I think, and it was Mel, a girl I know from the University of Lethbridge. Apprarently, my friend Pam got married this summer... Congrats to Pam and Evan, hear you are doing great... congrats on the transplant Evan... hear your looking GOOOOOD!!!! The EX sent a note to Pam indicating that he and I are no longer together... THANKS FOR FORWARDING THE INVITE... I might have wanted to, I DON'T KNOW... ATTEND the wedding!!!! This through the girls Pam, Mel and Cindy into a whirl wind trying to track me down. They googled me (to no avail... sigh!) and then 411'ed me... they got H. Nieboer (cringe) and that, as if you didn't know is the Ex's grandma... she lives in an old age complex... I guess Cindy and Mel thought that because of my accident, I was put in a home and left to rot... hummmm, wonder why they thought the Ex was capable of that... life leaves you clues! So, they called H. Nieboer, only to have a great little conversation with Hilda... with that plan being aborted quickly, Mel and Cindy thought it might be good to call my Mom and Dad... good thing Cindy keeps things obsolete (like wedding invites!) and the clever girl remembered that Tom my brother lives in Yellowknife and Tom my dad lives in Hay River... so Cindy calls my mom, chats it up, and mom informs them that I infact am well (and blissfully happy) and living in Calgary. SO Mel called me and left a message... and I called her back and we chatted for like an hour. Man, it was so good to hear from her. It has been about a year, and it feels like no time has passed. Wow... it is good to know that some friends will always care. So, that is the latest in the land of Heather...

I stole this quote from one of Derek's skydiving magazines...
"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor souls who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twighlight that knows neither victory nor defeat" - Theodore Roosevelt
WOW... what imagery, they live in the gray twighlight... you can picture it, and while it is nice, it is pale in comparison to the sunset, or sunrise that comes and goes with twighlight. It is like they just missed it... perhaps the IT here is life. Why would you want to sit safely in the twighlight when you can revel in the triumph of the sunlight? He is (I believe) suggesting that we dare the things that scare us, and challenge us, and motivate us... and although we may fail, and fail often, that doesn't mean we should quit... I love these types of quotes... quotes that stir up passion, and motivate me... challenge me to step outside of that comfort zone I love so much and do the things that I long to do but have always been afraid. Funny thing, when I was talking with Mel, she said something to the effect of "Heather, when ever you do something, you do it all the way... there is no half way with you!" and Cathy my cousin says "Heath, when you say you are going to do it, there is no doubt in my mind that it will be done!" and Cayla says, "You just do things so 'large'!" I guess it is true... it is all or none with me. There is no half way. That is why I get hurt so easily I guess... you either get none of me, or all of me. I am devoted to you, intensely and whole heartedly, or I don't really care. I like to think that this is a beautiful part of who I am... I run towards that sunlight, triumphant and brilliant, with arms wide open... I don't want to grow old sitting in the twighlight, wondering what my life could have been. As Robin Williams says in one of my favorite movies "Dead Poets Society"... Carpe Diem, seize the day, Make your lives extrodinary!"... Why would you want less... I know that I have embraced this, and have vowed to live life by this... why sit, like I have done, and watch life go by... why think that life is just something you do, rather than something you make? I choose to live a life of joy and laughter, because frankly, I die... shrivel up and cease to exist, it I live another way. I NEED to make life extraordinary... and so I try, and now I think that I have succeeded! (at least for now....)

Monday, October 02, 2006

I can do anything!!!

To begin with... I want to tell you about my amazing parents. They toured across Canada on their motorbike this summer (in fulfillment of Dad's life long dream!). I am very proud of you both, and so glad you are my parents. Thank you for teaching me to go after my dreams and achieve my goals. Without you, I would be lost and dishearten. Thank you for all you do for me... I promise, when you are old and feeble, you will be in the nicest home your money can buy!!! :o)

I was among the 15, 000 people that ran on Sunday in the Run for the Cure. But unlike them I ran for myself as well as for the people I know who have struggled with Breast Cancer. My goal was to RUN the 5K and I ran the entire 5 Kilometers. I reached a personal best of 30 minutes and 10 seconds... my previous best was 38 minutes. If felt so good to be able to set a goal like that and accomplish it. It was amazing, all along the route, random people were cheering you on... some people decorated their lawns, and others had little "In Memory of" type displays. There was even a bagpipe band at Kilometer 4 (and those who know me, would know that hearing this TOTALLY pumped me up... I was revved for the last Kilometer!) As you are coming in to the finish line, people are cheering, lined up on either side... it was an amazing feeling, with my legs burning, tears in my eyes from Joy, I crossed... knowing full well, that I ran EVERY SINGLE STEP of the run, and fulfilled my goal... one I trained for, for 2 1/2 months... I am sad to see it come to an end. I am going to have to find something else to motivate me to go to the gym everyday. I am thinking a 10K, but not until spring as I think the running season is over... I might just have to find a running buddy... what do you say Derek??? :o)

My roommate also moved in yesterday. She is really quite, and super nice. I think her and I will get along great, and that isn't just because we aren't going to see much of each other, but because we are compatible. Her dog is so cute and nice, he doesn't bark, doesn't shed, wags his tail and is really calm. My kind of dog. I am glad that things went smoothly, and it should continue like that.

Everything else in the land of Heather is great. I started pottery on Friday, and although I am not (and I fear never will be) a "potter" by trade, I think I did ok. What I made was total crap, but it is the technique that you are going for on your first class apparently, and not beautiful pottery... who knew, I came for the beautiful pottery!!!! Today I start my guitar lessons with Cathy. I am totally going to suck at this too, but you know what, it is about time I put that guitar to use.... I've only had it for like what 7 years! Great investment Mom and Dad... ha! Thanks for the birthday present I can STILL use 7 years later! :o)

Other than this, my world is right, my world is good. Derek has been quite the busy dude, but this has allowed me to do the things I want to do and not feel guilty that I "ditched" him for pottery or something. This is one of the great things about Derek, I can do what I want... a foreign concept... If I want to go to Edmonton with Cathy to pick up her less than perfect dog, I am gone... If I want to go to Pottery class on Friday nights, done! I guess it is his crazy work schedule that allows this to happen too, but he encourages me to do the things I want. Like just last night, we were talking about law school, and he said that if it is something I want to do, why not? And if I become a lawyer after that... it is good, if I don't then that is good too. Wow! What a different look on things... maybe it is the city that does it... expands your mind to the possibilities of the world. What I know for sure, is that if I wanted to be a Circus freak he would say, go for it... (much to Mom and Dad's chagrin!)... he is very supportive of my goals... and so Thank you Derek for being you, and allowing me to be me. Why should it be any different right? :o)

I will leave you once again with a quote... my claim to fame perhaps. I think of my uncle Stan everytime I post a quote, so perhaps that is why I like to do it. He was a great man, and I just wish I could have known him better. He too liked quotes, and collected them. I didn't know this until he passed on, but it is a connection I have with him, and I want it to continue. Spurgeon said "Many men owe the grandeur of their lives to their tremendous difficulties". What a beautiful thought. I think about my short little life, and dream one day of being great and wonderful and remarkable, and then I read this, and know it is possible. I look at things in a positive way (for the most part) and if I can get through this past year, I am certain that I can get through anything. It is the journey that is the key, and it is the journey that makes us unique and wonderful... it is the journey that we owe the grandeur of our lives. What a thought provoking statement... what a realistic thought.