Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Wowzers, Time Flies!

WOW, it has been 10 months tomorrow since I left, it feels like an eternity... it feels like that was never really my life, just a dream that went sour. Just look at all the things I have done... WOW... and for some of them I have the pictures to prove it!!!

Well, I have a new roommate... her name is Kim and she is a merchandise purchaser at the Home depot. She works a wacky shift of 4AM until 12:30PM, so she won't be home much when I am there, and if she is she will be sleeping! That just means I have to cool it with the non-existent parties I have... Ha! She has a dog that is the size of a pit-bull (and looks like one too!) but he is super nice (and you know it takes a lot for a "Dog Fan" like me to say that...) So, this should work out well. Glad to not have to worry about a roommate anymore... I love it when I can check things off my list of things to do... I am down to just 4 items and they all depend on other people, so I am happy with that!

It is interesting... I thought a falafel was like a waffle that is flat (would that not make sense???) but instead it is a cluster of deep-fired chick peas... mmmmm, yet another item added to the Yuckie, never going to eat pile! Man, I falafel that I won't give it a chance... HA! (Will my dorkiness cease ever????)

So, my next big anticipation... my run... On Sunday, I am participating in "The Run for the Cure", and for the past 2 1/2 - 3 Months, I have been training for it. I feel like I am in the best shape of my life, and I am totally pumped that I can run 3 1/2 miles in like 38 minutes... not a world record, but pretty good for me I think... Look out Inca Trail, I am going to KICK YOUR PATOOTIE!

I am totally stoked, but totally scared about this run... I have never been good walking into a room and knowing that A. there are people here that are FAR better than me at this, and B. Doing something like this for the first time. I am always a little shaky the first time, but next year, I will waltz in there like a pro and feel much better, much more confident. I know I will be fine, it is just I will feel alone.... good thing there are going to be people at the finish line to cheer me on! Thanks guys, I love you too!

SOOOO, what else.... I figured I should get the world of Blog readers caught up on the goings on of ME... been hearing complaints about the 12 day stretch with no posting... you know who you are (hehehe)...

I guess I could leave you, like I have often with a quote... "A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you can not do" - Walter Bagehot. I read this often and realize that there are many things I have been told I can not do. I have been told that I wouldn't be able to do this up coming run... but you know what, I can! Someone said that I would never be able to jump out of a plane... been there, done that... someone said that I couldn't go to law school, well, I am sure going to give it a shot. There is an LSAT course in January and in February I can write the test... gotta think in steps, and once that is done, then I can focus on what to do from there. I have been looking at Law Schools and honestly, U of Sask. is one that appeals to me. They are on a committee that helps the chair of the Human Rights commission of Canada make decisions... TOTALLY something I could do! Totally something I could have some passion for... because, incase you forgot, life should be lived with passion... as Cayla says, "The passion of a thousand suns!" (normally this is in referal to hating something, ha!

I still think somedays how great it would be to sit in the House of Commons, bantering on policies, heckling the opposition, blaming the government for all things wrong with society... MAN would I love that... I just don't think I am strong enough to do that, I cower when someone gruff confronts me... most days. I think I am not bitchy enough (although some might disagree... ha!). You know what, I am a mere 25 and 5/6, I have lots of time, who knows it may just happen yet... That, or just call me Madame Justice Hamilton! That has always had a nice ring to it, hasn't it Mom and Dad??? Ha!

Friday, September 15, 2006

Life is beautiful and the world is right!

As promised, here is a photo of my little beauty of a boy... Meemo!

It is a cold and rainy morning in Calgary... Fall is certainly in the air! But ironically enough, life is beautiful and the world is right!

I have for the most part moved into the basement of Aunty J's and it is cozy and warm (thanks to the fireplace!). A few more things need to find homes, like my candles, movies and CD's, but I think that it is nothing a good trip to Ikea can't fix... I love a good trip to Ikea!

Meemo is growing, and progressively feeling more at home. He is my shadow when I am in the house... constantly following me to see what it is I am up to. After 4 or 5 trips up the stairs, he is tuckered out though, and so we sit on the couch, lying on our backs and watch some tele! He is the cutest little creature I know and I am so glad he is a part of my world. Thanks Cat... how amazing you are to hone in on the one thing I truly wanted and didn't have. A cuddly kitty!

Things in other aspects of Heather Land are great! Derek is amazing, and proves daily that he honestly did hear what I said... and he took it to heart. He is constantly spoiling me and complimenting me, and all the attention could be going to my head, as I am starting to think that I AM actually very Beautiful.... What is up with that??? Honestly I find myself growing more smitten each day... and it seems that I can't get enough of him. Why is he so fascinating and intriguing?

My job is amazing. I find myself challenged daily (just yesterday I was asked to help prepare a statement of defense... wow!) and it seems that I can never get enough. I like to be the first one here, and the last one gone... not to "prove" anything, but because I simply LIKE being here. I am excited everyday to come to work... and although I find some things stressful, I find it challenging and it motivates me to do more and work harder, and it also motivates me to fulfill my dream and become a lawyer. I think about this everyday and it seems that the more I think about it, the more I want it, and the more I want it, the closer it comes to being reality. I want to take the LSAT course in January and then the test. I figure things should happen in baby steps. This means, if I want to GET INTO law school, I have to start doing more community work. Only part of the entry process is based on marks, the other part is based on community involvement and volunteering... think I have a handle on this one! HA!

So, this is my world... nothing hollywood about it, but I love it, and I wouldn't change a thing about it... most people would want more money, but me, I am happy with what I am making, keeps me honest and humble, but fed, clothed and housed! (with a couple extra things...). I honestly wouldn't change a thing... everything that has happen has lead to this peaceful part in my life, and I know that I will look back at this time, and relish in how happy and contented I was... and that makes me happy.

Monday, September 11, 2006

To Nobleford and Beyond!

I first want to remember that it is Sept. 11... 5 years ago today the World Trade towers went down. It seems so foreign to think about that time and place. I was with Joe then (it was nearly the end... Oct. 9th to be exact... how is it I remember the days I leave??? hum!), I was going to school, just started at the U of L... wow, seems like forever ago. A lot has happened since then too! Wow, it is crazy how life just continues. There are points where you think the world is going to explode, and that it is falling apart, but it doesn't, it never does. Life just keeps going. I think of all those people who lost members of their family on that day, and how devastating it must have been... and I think of why that would be more devastating than like a car accident or something... and I believe that it is because someone purposely chose those buildings because of the massive amount of people it would kill. That is what is so tragic, those people meet their doom because they worked in a large building. So I am thinking of those people, as I sit in my office today on the 16th floor and pray that something that tragic will never happen to anyone I know.

So, this weekends events... wow, was it ever weird being back... first thing I noticed as I drove the bulky U-Haul into town is that they have completed phase 1 of the walking path. Congrats go out to all members of the Parks and Rec Committee. You are one step towards your goal, I knew it would get done, it looks GREAT! OK, second thing I noticed, is that I don't miss living there... what a small bumpkin country town. I wanted to turn around and run, but I kept on trucking (pardon the pun!) and drove up to the shop (looks good re-painted, funny how much motivation he has now!). Everything went smoothly, him and I communicated how we wanted this to go down, and we settled half way in between (at least that is how I saw it!). Then, I preceded to hand Mark (he was there too, and man he looks bad... gained a bunch of weight or something... not sure, but he doesn't look that good!) boxes of my things. Kevin and Mark packed the U-Haul for me, as I checked items off the list... it was great being in charge... felt weird though! Then SHE showed up... seriously, I am not a violent person... but I would LOVE to punch that lady in the head and watch her go down like a tone of bricks... I would probably feel totally horrid for doing it, but that brief moment of satisfaction would be wonderful, and honestly all I would need. She is so manipulative... trying to pry things out of Devon and Cathy about my life... I shut her up when she asked "So have you applied for Law School yet?" and I retorted, "No, but I am writing my LSAT's in January!" I'm not, but I hope to be fully divorced by then, so it doesn't matter, besides like I care what she thinks... it shut her up though, maybe the thought that I am making plans... Anyways... Kevin was very amicable, and he looks good... he's lost some weight, has bulked up and looks good... it took me a bit off guard, but he looked so foreign, and not very attractive... ok, his muscles made me smile, but then I looked up and got freaked! Our conversation was all business, and we kept it light. He said that he wants to get this over with ASAP and hopefully we can work it out together (now that shocked me, we couldn't work out being married, but we can now listen to eachother and share things??? WTF?) I am just happy that he wants this to be resolved as quickly as possible... that works in my favor! So they loaded the U-Haul and we unloaded it in Calgary... it went well! I went through it all on Sunday morning, me and a pot of coffee... and my tunes, good to have some of them back... I am certain I am missing some thought... like my Road Hammers CD, going to have to buy that one again, he isn't going to give it up.... ironically he used to sing their song when he was really drunk, and I would smile, because I had really fond memories of the Road Hammers (wink, wink!)

So yeah, Sunday morning, that was interesting... I thought it was going to be the typical, lets get this all organized type event for me... and I was taken aback when I got quite emotional about somethings... I was really angry at him when he forgot to pack the lids to my 'go cups' and my Yoga mat... and I got really sad when I found a stack of information on Bi-polar disorder and borderline personality disorder... I think it was anger too, I just didn't throw the papers against the wall, I broke down for a couple minutes... and then there were some pictures that got me a little... however, I notice that he didn't pack the wedding photos, glad of it too... (all though, I have to say that I looked totally smoking that day, despite the extra 25 -30 lbs... I was beautiful that day!). I was shocked that I had that reaction though... I thought I was ok with everything, but it goes to show me that sometimes there are little pieces left of your broken heart that float up at moments you don't expect. I guess that is part and parcel of this crazy ride they call life!

So, I got things organized, and then filled the U-Haul with all the trash I had picked out... there was quite a bit. I told Sandra that I was going to the dump, and she had a garage FULL of stuff she has thrown out that was from her split with Chris... so it worked well! Sandra and I are bombing along in this U-Haul, and we get there, and the dude tells us that if we score him a fiver we won't have to weigh in... SCORE! We didn't have cash (I know TOTALLY NOT ME!) so we turn around and I stop and say WAIT, I look in my wallet... and low and behold, a 5 dollar bill... FAB! So we turn around and go through the gate, and have a heck of a fun ride up the hill to the drop off site... Sandra and I released a lot of anger and sadness on that landfill, and suddenly my back didn't hurt so much, the stress oozed off me, it was liberating... When we got back, we loaded the stuff for the Sally Anne, there was a lot of stuff in this load too, and the nice gentlemen at the drop off helped us. It was great to be free of all that clutter... by the time my trips with the U-Haul had ended, I was left with 1/2 the stuff I hauled to Calgary... Less than that (Still too much for me though!)

So we are off to drop off the U-Haul, and this lady who I think was younger than me, tells me that "I can't park there! You're gonna have to take it to a different place"... I am thinking, is she joking? WHAT? Screw that... but then the nice Heather comes out, and says Ok, where do you want it... she says that it is only 10 km's away... I think, that isn't bad... ok.. I tell her that I shouldn't be charged for the km's, and she says "It isn't recorded in Km, it is miles!" - who cares, I just don't want to f'n pay for them! dumb cow... at this point I am getting mad... she draws us this map, shoves it over the counter and looks at us... I take the map, give it to Cat and we take off, like a herd of turtles... 25 - 30 minutes later, we drop the U-haul off by Marlborough Mall (we were by the Ikea by my house!) . I tell Jeff, the man who oozes honey at the U-haul counter, about how Lisa from the other place was a total cow to me... I don't normally complain, and I GET that she was busy, but give me a break, there are ways to approach these things, and she just does not approach them with any class! Ok, so the U-Haul fiasco is done... by the way, not one extra charge... even though I think I went over by like 30 klicks.... Gotta love Jeff!

Then it was off for the next adventure! We drove out by Chestemere to get my new little KITTY! I now have a kitten, his name is Meemo (thanks Anna, my sweet!). He is a little bitty man of a cat... no fear, he was attacking my feet last night as I puttered around in my disorganized mess of a house! He isn't afraid of the vacuum, and he follows me around, but at a distance, just out of arms reach and then he scampers away! (The house is getting better, once I have the upstairs done, I will be ok... just a few things to put away, like 20 boxes!!!!) He is part Siamese and orange tabby so he has this ginger/cream look about him... I think Sandra is coming over tonight to do a photo shoot! (Aren't you my darling, dear cuz???) I love my little kitty... thanks go out to Cat, the one who facilitated this union! You are always looking out for ways to make me happier... what can I say but... "IT'S BEER THIRTY BABY!!! WHOO HOO!". That covers it all!

So the new man in my life is Meemo... watch out Derek, he could just steal my heart! :o) And to make matters better, I feel a lot of closure with having gone to Nobleford, and knowing that Kevin is doing well. He is moving on, and that makes me happy... I only ripped his world apart for a short time... Gawd am I horrid! HA! Also, I had to tell Adam to piss off and not e-mail me anymore, he knew that I didn't want anything "romantic" with him, but he thought we would be friends... are you KIDDING ME???? If I wanted to be smothered, I would go and have a chat with my ex-mother-in-law... that makes me want to smother MYSELF!!! So he is now not talking to me (FINALLY... I literally had to tell him that I don't want him contacting me... EVER!) So he is pouting, and I am rejoicing... done and done... two men that were a part of my life, I can let go... make room for the new men in my life... (Derek and Meemo!). It was an emotional, cleansing, rewarding weekend... I accomplished a lot, and released a lot of "the broken pieces of my heart" that needed to be let go. I am satisfied. I am content... and I am excited to get home so that I can play with my Kitty and organize my kitchen... I am actually excited to get home and get to work... I am cutting out at 4:30 today! You better believe that I am home ASAP for the next while...

My little life is full of joy these days, and I just hope that the joy I feel spreads to those I love. So everyone, take a piece of my joy, because you shared with me when I was lacking... you gave me more than you know, and now that I am ME again, I want to say Thank you, and I love you! Thank you for helping me see that I am beautiful just the weird little way I am!

(Picture of my little Baby to come soon...)

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

My new philosophy!

So Saturday is the day.... I go and get my belongings from the "Matrimonial Home"... aka, the shop, or more affectionately the Corn Field (that spawns the Children of the Corn!). I am stressed about this, as I don't know what to expect... I don't know what I am getting, I don't know how he is going to react... I look totally different from when I left... I look a lot less frumpy, more polished, skinnier, happier, and more satisfied! Not sure what to expect, and anyone who knows me knows that I don't like going into situations that drastically effect me and not know what is going to happen... The elections for council nearly killed me, seriously! So, I guess what I am saying (for like the 40th time in my blog) that I am scared, nervous, apprehensive... I hate going into situations that I have little control over... I guess I could always call the RCMP if there is a problem! I am bringing Cathy and Devon with me though... Devon will distract him with her beauty and breasts, and Cathy will make him laugh and de-escalate the situation and I will take my crap, load it into the U-Haul and get GONE! I figure that D and Cat are great choices... they are both so laid back when it comes to crap like this, and they have both been there, so they know what it is like... Aunty J is totally pissed that she isn't allowed to be there. I told her that this is the consequence of her ROARING THROUGH THE HOUSE, and trying to rip things off the walls and floors... I said that next time she better behave! Anyways, this way, she can help Aunty Bonnie and Grandma with the BBQ at Bonnies for Jason and Pam... not sure what to expect from this... Jason reminds me of Tommy and Pam is an older Leigh Anne... should be good times! I think I will just get totally hosed and then it won't matter!

I have decided that my new idea, my new thoughts regarding living life involve passion. I have always felt that one should live life passionately, for it is passion that drives us, stirs us, motivates us. I need to live life with a passion that is unknown... at least to me. I can't say that there has been anything in my life that I would say I have been passionate about... ok, not true, in high school I was passionate about skating, and trying to save the planet... not sure that counts though, I blame that on the hormonal imbalance that one experiences at that age! When I was on council, I was passionate about getting my voice heard, changing policy with regards to persons with disabilities... not sure I made a difference, but then again, not sure I am done! I need to find that passion, that thing that stirs me, and when I work at it, completes me... I can't say what it is... maybe pottery (which I start soon... I think!), or guitar (starting in October, provided I get my guitar!). I know that I love traveling, and I do that passionately, but I need a passion that I can afford on a more regular basis! ha!

When I watch movies, I listen for sayings, quotes, poems that strike my attention... I love a good quote! Well the other day I heard one by Marianne Williamson... she says

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be?..."

WOW... who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous... that is something I ask myself everyday! Who am I to have what I have... and I thought it WAS inadequacy that was my deepest fear. But honestly, she is right... we fear ourselves, our capacity... we strive everyday to fulfill the goals of the day, to be successful in what we are doing in the now, and often we get sidetracked and blinded to what the future might hold... I know this well. But honestly, we are afraid to shine... it is the Light that frightens us. We are afraid to stand out, to be noticed and recognized... Who are we NOT to be fabulous and talented, gorgeous and brilliant... we should strive to excel... strive to achieve greatness, but we are scared... scared of failure, scared to step outside the box, scared to go above and beyond because it will become expected of us. Why should we not strive for greatness, and achieve it. I know that what ever I do, I want to be successful at it. Perhaps, that is why when I say I am going to do something I do it... I said I would get a University Degree, and I got it... I said that I would be married by 25 and I was, (never said that all things were beneficial!). I think that when you live a passionate life, you strive to make things better for you and others, and this is what I want... To live in the moment, be the best I can be but better... I want to be successful at everything I attempt... This is also the problem! I can't be good at everything, and perhaps this is what Marianne Williamson is saying... this is our fear, we can't do it all, be the best at everything, but why should that stop us... why should we be less than we are because we are scared. Maybe what she is saying is that when you live life with out the passion to be you, and soul you, then you don't fear. Who are you NOT to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Who are you, to not be who you truly are...