Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Diet Coke anyone???

I need to inform the world... My company supplies me with my liquid drug... Diet Coke! It is a beautiful thing, anytime I want one, I walk to the kitchen, open the cooler and ta-da! A Diet Coke for Heather... it is a never ending supply of chilled heaven... perhaps many don't know this about me... but I LOVE DIET COKE! Aunty J knows, because she shares this addiction and Jennifer Webb knows, because she introduced it... but I am not certain that everyone knows that I am a D.C. lover! It has to be Coke, Diet Pepsi is just not the same... too sweet (I hear the gasps... yes there are things too sweet for even MY sweet tooth....) I just wanted to gloat in the fact that the place I work supports my addictions, and loves... it is a thing of beauty....

So, there is some news... I believe good news... I got a phone call Saturday night from Derek. It was really cute, and he said "I want to talk, I miss you". So, I called back and left a message (at 3 am... ooops!) and finally after some phone tag, we connected. We met last night to talk over drinks, (why can I not stop at one?) and we had a 5 - 6 hour conversation about what happened... how we could change it... what we know we want, or don't want... how we feel... it was the most honest, open, truthful conversation that I have ever been a part of... and it felt good. I believe that he heard what it is that I was saying... not only was he listening, but he was hearing... AND validating, being empathic and reiterating what I said. All in all, an A+ conversation! I think what was decided, is that we are going to be more honest, open, understanding, and communicate better. Admirable goals, I just hope we can achieve them. I missed so much about him.... his smile, his "it's not a black and white issue", the way he can make me see things from a different angle. I missed his hugs and kisses (Etc.....), but I missed how comfortable he makes me feel. I feel that I could tell him ABSOLUTELY anything, and I would be safe... I am not sure if that makes sense to anyone, but I don't have to worry about him throwing my honesty in my face, or telling someone else a secret I have told him... I just feel safe, and have always felt safe talking and being with him, and this has not been the case with anyone else. I know he would never ridicule me for being totally honest about something weird like my DEADLY fear of snakes or something. Perhaps this is one of the reasons he captivates me... heck, I don't know what it is about him that utterly captivates me... but he gets to me, it is like an addiction... it totally scares the crap out of me, but I can't get enough... I am an addict! So, that is what is going on in the land of Heather... which once again includes Derek, and it makes me happy because I feel that we understand what each other wants, expects, and needs, and I feel good about it.

So no philosophical internal debate today... can't leave you with an unanswerable question. But I will say this, screw what other people think... go with your gut, go with the flow, go with what you feel is right for you, because at the end of the day... that is who you are responsible to, that is who you ultimately have to answer to, and if you can't justify why you did something to YOURSELF, then what the heck are you doing. This is what I told myself last night, after being torn because of the advice I received, and the reaction I received when I first introduced Derek into my family world. But as time went on, and I thought about how I feel, and how he makes me feel, and I just said Screw this, I am going to do what I want, and the only person that ends up hurt if things go bad is me... so I say... Giddy-up cowboy... This bronc is ready to go!

Monday, August 21, 2006

Random Ramblings!

Time has passed, and I have had little time to reflect on the past weeks. Since I last wrote I have gone to Edmonton to visit my bestest friend in the whole world, Jennifer Webb and her husband (and my Cousins Jennifer and Kenny)... it was so wonderful to sit and chat with Jen (both of them). How lucky I am to see my best friend more than once this year. I feel so lucky. We had a great visit, and it was hard to leave but I know that I will see her in 4 months, so I am happy with that. It was good also to visit with Kenny and Jen, they are always so welcoming and willing to sit and listen and offer their advice. Kenny has been down the same road I am on and I find his advice invaluable.

I have also been go karting (in the rain). It was a total riot, and I recommend it to anyone who doesn't mind getting dirty, loves to go fast and squeel the tires.... whoo hoo! I went to the Farmers market with my cousins Cathy and Amy this past weekend, and it was nice to catch up with their goings on... they are so totally different, it is hard to believe that they are infact sisters. Then it was off to Calaway park with Cathy and her kids on Sunday. What a great way to spend a relaxing Sunday afternoon. I convinced Cathy to go on Chaos, the newest ride and what a ride it is. (Some how rides aren't as thrilling.... maybe the ride down outside the plane at 13000 ft. has something to do with it). I am certain that everyone I know is sick to death of hearing about skydiving... and I am just waiting until I can do it again. I wonder if it will be at all like I remember it.... thrilling, exhilarating, frightening, intense.... I am nervous, but you know what, if that is what I am meant to die doing, why not do it in style.... I know that what will be will be and if that is the end, then I nor anyone else could prevent it. It is not a risk I am taking, it is facilitating destiny.

One has to only look over the past 6 months of my blogging life to see the change, I see it myself... and wow, where did this person come from. I remember this time last year, I was just dealing with the accident (can't believe it has been a year), and slowly falling deeper into the pit of depression I was in. I don't believe that I had realized what a problem I had at this point, I think that began in October, and more specifically at the AUMA. That was a trip... getting told what I could and could not do, who I could and could not talk to... glad that chapter of my life is over. I wonder if he even realizes he does that, or if he honestly thinks he was helping me. I guess I will always wonder. I got the package of full disclosure on Friday (all of the financial documentation of his that he had to disclose)... what an interesting day that was, looking over and seeing our past, and how frugal it was living from paycheck to paycheck... I don't miss it, not one bit... I am not even sure if I would have been satisfied if he had moved here with me, not sure if that would have yielded a different result, but honestly I never thought that was an option so I didn't even play that scenario in my head. What a weird year this has been... trying, painful, exciting, full of growth and acceptance and understanding of who I am.

What I want now is someone to do stuff with. I thought I found this in Adam the Agrologist... but he got clingy really quickly and so I had to let that ship sail. I want a compadre, a partner who wants to do the exact things that I want, and who brings new ideas to the table. I know it may not be much to ask, but you try finding that in a crowd of a million people. I don't know if I want all the lovey dovey crap that comes with a relationship, I just want to be treated like a friend first, like someone can confide in me and I in them. Really, all I want is someone to watch a movie with and go to dinner with, and Calaway park, and random road trips... I want a friend that is devoted to me, and even though they have their own life, would love for me to be a part of it.... didn't think that was so much to ask for. The more I get excited about Peru, the more I think of Derek. I miss the good times, when we did things together... when it was good, it was exactly what I wanted, what I needed. But he went distant and I can't handle being ignored. There is a small part of me that wants to call him and say "Hey lets hang out!" but I know there will be a time when he shuts down again and I can't do that, I can't sacrifice myself for anyone... not now, not ever... and so I set him free to find a more "tolerant" human. Good luck to you buddy! I know that I will find someone here who is on the same wave length as me. Maybe the guy in Visa, he is cute... he seems awfully shy though, and I don't know if I could play with another shy guy... I want someone vivacious, like that Tom guy... he was fun. Why did I blow that one?

The more I think of it, the more I realize that life is NEVER what you expect it to be. I wanted my life after I left to be full of excitement and adventure, and it has been for the most part, but really can every moment of every day be exciting? Can laundry be exciting? Can doing the dishes? or scrubbing the tub? I am certain they can, I just have to find something that makes it so... Cathy has the right idea... why not wear a tiara while mowing the lawn? Why not wear an obscenely large, feathery hat getting groceries. It is those small things in life that pull you through until your next adventure begins. Life IS never what you expect, but honestly, why should it be... that is the excitement isn't it? If it was expected, then wouldn't it be boring? Why would you continue on your journey if what you expected to happen always happened... Like when you go to an art gallery... you expect you will like the art, but sometimes, it is repulsive, and sometimes it makes you blush... sometimes it captures your attention and you just don't know why... that is what life is, unexpected, and it should be. I would much rather live a life that is unexpected and exciting than expected and boring. My question to you bloggers, is what makes it so unexpected... what makes it so unknown.... I love to think about how others lives, whom I do not know, affect mine. It is so interesting to sit and think about. I wonder often what the Transit drivers life is like... I depend on him/her everyday to get to work... their life touches mine in a very real way and I don't even know what they look like.... or the person who makes my double tall no-fat, no-whip mocha at starbucks... do they know that their job makes my day that much better... I bet they don't. So, I challenge you... all of you... thank the people who leave their tiny marks on your life on a daily basis. If you see the mail man, Thank him or her.... even though the bring you bills, they are the reason you can still have running water... or satellite.... or thank the gas jockey, even though it costs you your first born to fill up your tank, they make it possible for you to go about your daily routine. Thank the people that leave little imprints on your day, because I assure you, thanking them will leave a big imprint on their day. Something to ponder.....

Friday, August 04, 2006

Steps we take

I promised myself that I would be honest in my blog, true to myself in life.... I feel I have already strayed. I was not honest with myself in what is realistic

Derek and I are no more, and I have shed enough tears to know that it is for the best. We are different people with different goals in life (some of us have goals, some of us refuse to make any!). I won't lie and say that I am not hurt.... I am extremely hurt, but I just can't deal with not knowing how someone feels, and not knowing what is going on in their world. I like the comfort of having someone close to me who is interested in what goes on with me. What stresses me, what brings me joy, what to do when I am sad. I feel that Derek was unable to do this for me, and by shutting me out, I was unable to do that for him. I am sorry that things ended the way they did, I am sorry that we couldn't talk about it. I am very sorry that I wasn't given another option. Thanks for the good times, we had a few. Thank you for the inspiration and motivation to explore who it is I am and what it is I want.

We all travel different roads, and every once and awhile we meet people who grace our paths for brief moments on this journey. They often have wise things to pass on to you, and motivate you or push you in a direction you might not have gone in. I have had many people in my life that have done this, Maureen from G.P, she taught me that you don't have to be young to have fun.... and sometimes the hardest things to do are the most worth it in the end, that is what she taught me. Kari from G.P and Leth.... she helped me when Joe and I broke up... not sure what would have happened if she hadn't convinced me that I should leave. Might have felt the true wrath of that man. Then there was Debbie and Jen in Lethbridge, they were my rock when I needed to go and party, and they were awesome when I needed help getting ready for major events... they offered advice and wisdom, but kicked me in the ass and asked me the hard questions too. People tend to come into my life and grace me with their knowledge and passion when I need it the most, and for this, I am eternally grateful.

Life is such a graceful thing, sometimes you wander, happily almost floating in this euphoric, zen like state, and others you stumble around grumbling profanity. I want to be a floater... I want to have life in the clutches of my hands, squeezing experience, culture, and love out, but also I want to experience sadness, and sorrow, because without these, the good things aren't as good, they aren't as fulfilling! My only goal in life as a whole is to be happy with no regrets, to try everything on my list once... some of them I might just do again (hey, just because I lost my skydiving instructor, doesn't mean I can't do it!)... Try to travel to every destination I can dream of.... My goal is to live.

So, in continuing my goal I move forward, sadly and with a heavy heart I move forward. I like to look at my "Quote Corner" from time to time and reflect on some of the quotes that have struck me.... one strikes me in particular today, it was by Sigmund Freud...

He said "One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful".

I am not sure if he was coked up when he wrote this, but there is some merit in it. I think what makes us who we are, are the experiences we have, the steps we have taken. Sometimes, as I know well, these steps are not gold laden... they are hard and cruel. When you reflect on what has gotten you to where you are, you can't help but be thankful. I know I can't... How could I, I have a job I look forward to going to each day, I live in a city that has captured my attention in a way I thought no city would... I have a fabulous family who support me... I am on my own, stepping out into that scary world, and I am loving every minute of it. So I can see what Freud ment, I can dig it. Although I think that man had some severe problems, he couldn't have been entirely wrong as we still study him... all I know, is that retrospect is honestly something to reflect on, and as I have said before, we are but the sum of our experiences. Freud knew this, and he knew that when you look back on the things you have done, the ones that seem to stand out are the ones that were the most traumatic, difficult and painful. These experiences are also what makes us grow so much more than we thought possible. It is also in these times that you have people who gently walk along your path, hold your hand for a while and steer you in a different direction, a better direction. Be thankful for these people, they too help shape who you are.

So Thank you Kari, Debbie and Jen, and Thank you Derek for I believe that you are one of the people who has walked gently into my life, helped me explore adventure and you took me to places no one else has, spiritually, mentally, physically... you will forever be a good memory... I am sad to say goodbye, but glad that we had the time we did. Thank you for being a part of my journey, thank you for walking along my path for but a brief time. You will be missed!