Monday, July 31, 2006

What a shin-dig!!!

Got back last night from Vilna/St. Paul... What a good time! Visited with the entire family it seemed, although they weren't all there, I got bits and pieces of the missing one's goings on, so I am good for a while, I've done my duty! It was great to see so many of them, some I haven't seen in years... some that flew in from Ontario just for the weekend, just for a visit. Was so great to see them all. I felt so included and 'grown-up' and that is hard for the 18th grandchild to feel, especially when most of the others have children and spouses... then there is me... not the only divorcee in the bunch... there is one more but it is more acceptable for a guy to be divorced in this family then a girl... such old fashioned stigmas.

Not sure what is going on with the world of love... I have relaxed, cleared my head, realized my over-reaction (as always) but I will not ignore how I felt. I felt that for a reason, what it is I am not sure, but it was valid at that point in time. I just think that I am scared that I will fall into the same trap that I was in before, and that is stupid, because I am in a totally different place, with a totally different bloke, so why would I be scared. I think that is why I reacted so strongly, I wanted to make sure I would be heard, wanted to not just stand back and ignore how I felt. Think I went a little overboard, but I am just figuring this out as I go... I just don't want to F this up... don't want him to go away one day and never come back. I just hope he understands! I just hope he knows how I feel... I hope I can communicate that one of these days.

So I was talking with my mom and a gentleman that we knew in Hay River recently passed away. He was a prominent figure in that community, he will be sorely missed. His legacy is far reaching, and he has left little pieces of himself dispersed in many hearts through out the country. His motto was "Dream Big, no extra charge!" and it fit totally into his personality, a light hearted, hard working, quiet, true gentleman. What a motto though, if you think about it... there is no harm in dreaming big, there is no cost to you for dreaming big... the only thing that will happen is that you will succeed, and if you don't, there in no harm, no foul in having that dream. That is certainly a quote to add to the collection. In memory of him, in motivation for me. He has left an impression on me, and will forever.

"Dream Big, no extra charge" words to never forget from a man whom I will never forget.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Crazy little thing...

Well, I want to give props to the woman who after 13 years, decided that her health and her children's health are far more important than the unfortunate person she married... Thank you! You are so strong and brave. This road is not going to be easy, things worth it normally aren't. You are so solid in your faith, never let that waiver. You are solid and strong... you are inspiring. Although you may not feel like you are, man have you taught me a thing or two about patience, understanding, love, strength, honesty, friendship... you have truly impacted my life because of the strong beautiful woman you are. So thank you for the lessons, thank you for the love... I know that I was put here, at this time, at this place to help you in any way I can... don't forget that!

Things for the past week have been iffy... Had a super visit with Tom and Leigh Anne and the beautiful little kiddletts! It seemed like the first time in a long time, we got along... and I think that is because I am healthy and strong and not letting them get to me, and not necessarily agreeing with what they are saying, it was great to talk with them and not fight... I really enjoyed their visit. The best part though (other than the kids of course) was when Tom and Leigh Anne and I went out, I realized I needed a little AA in my life... and boy could AA dance... flipped me over like I was a pancake... had me twirling like a tornado... I can't remember having that much fun just dancing... it was such a good time, I hated to see it end... maybe I will run into AA another Ranchmans night... beer-thiry HONKY TONK TIME..... It was great. I am glad that the communication lines have been opened with those two... one checked off the list... three to go!

Feeling a little lost in the realm of love. Feeling a little sad and left out, but also like a total putz. I can't help but feel how I feel, but I can't help but understand the actions that make me feel this... I am at a crossroads, and only time will tell what the outcome will be... only time will tell!

I feel that despite the amount that I have grown in the last 8 months... I still have no clue how to deal with how I feel. I have no idea how to tell someone they are making me mad, or sad, or happy... I am always at a loss when it comes to communicating how I feel and why I feel it. I guess that comes from years of ignoring how I feel, and how important that actually is, and taking on other's worries and cares. I am sick of surrounding myself with selfish people, people who make me feel little and sad. People who want parts of me it seems, but are not sure how to deal with the side that is somewhat less 'stable'....

Heading off for a family due tomorrow in Vilna/St. Paul. Should be a good time, I hope. Lots of family there, I am hoping that they are all over the "so How are you doing?" questions and on to the "Wow, you look fab, what is your trick" and I will say "get divorced... It solved most of my problems... hahaha!" and we will laugh like it is actually funny! I guess I should stash the divorce jokes for a weekend... not sure mom or dad like them... they think they are tacky and tasteless... I like to think I left tacky and tasteless in Nobleford... can't say that though, he did after all pick me (the one with the apparent mental disorder... I am sure that I am working on another gent that thinks that right now too!). Anyways, the point, yes I have one, is that I am excited to see my family, excited to get just hosed and dance the night away ( again!) but I am apprehensive, because with this side, I have to be careful what I show. I would never, for example compare Kevin and his family to the Children of the corn infront of them but I do it all the time here... infact, that is what the Nieboers are known as, as the Children of the corn, or the Cult leaders... all in good fun! I am just worried that the guilt of my apparent 'failure' will return when I talk to them. I fear that the guilt will come back when I talk to my parents. They are almost the only beings on the planet that can make me feel like crap by saying two words... I am just scared that they will make me feel bad.

But, I need to remember that life is a collection of moments, some are better than others, as long as you fill most of those moments with joy, you will lead a happy life. I need to remember that my life is mine, and if I don't like what they say, I need to stand strong, and believe in my heart. Be true to me. Vive la vie!

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

I am totally Capricorn!

Capricorn For way too long, the misconception that you have to fit in has been dictating your behavior. Even if you haven't realized it, you've been subtly editing yourself and altering your attitude, thinking that will get you farther. What you may fail to realize is that who you are is defined in part by how you're different from everyone else. Do things your own way today -- you'll meet little, if any, resistance. Strike out and show everyone the real you.

This is the horoscope for today... and how fitting. Didn't I JUST have this conversation with Sandra and Aunty J the other night? How what makes me so wonderful is because I am so weird(their words not mine!). How crazy to have this pop up on my screen today. I don't BELIEVE in horoscopes, I find them amusing, entertaining and sometimes bang on to what is going on in my life! Crazy days when that happens.

Sometimes it rains, sometimes it drizzles... Sometimes it pours. With me there is no inbetween either it is sunny and beautiful, or it is pouring down all sorts of nastiness.... this was yesterday. It was a shaky weekend. Next door is kind of a stressful situation for all involved, and since I live so close... I get it by default. I DON'T mind... It feels good to help out someone with my 'experience' on the issue... It is just draining to all involved, and is nasty, hard, and sad... not good. So that was my weekend... Tiring! On Friday I got a letter from my lawyer saying that HIS lawyer is bailing on him and referring him to a "matrimonial specialist" due to 'contentious issues'. The only contentious issues there are is that he has to give me my crap and sign the bloody papers at the appropriate time, on the appropriate line. SO, I called good ol' Johnny the lawyer yesterday and now we are going to court. I have to go to court to get my freaking Guitar and skates... stupid, stupid man... I am not going for just those things now... I am going for 1/2 of everything... it was like one of the colonel's who bombed Pearl harbor said "We have woken a sleeping giant"... He may have been married to me, but he has no idea what I am capable of... I have already submitted the legal land description of his house... 1/2 the increase of value... now MINE... 1/2 the belongings in the house... now MINE... the inheritance... 1/2 MINE!!!! I could go on.... So, after talking with John, I called my Dad to tell him what is going on... I proceeded to talk to him about Tom and how sad he makes me. I kind of lost it.... but I need to take that up with Tom (as I told Dad).

You see, random world... I was a push over for my entire life... my ENTIRE life... and now, I am realizing how easily swayed I was. The only time in my life I actually stood up for what I wanted was in Bio 30 when I REFUSED to dissect that fetal pig. You know what, I stand by that decision still. I am not sure, looking back if I would have gone to College/University... not right away... I had a lot of fun, met a lot of great people, even shockingly enough learned something... but I had, and still don't have, the foggiest idea of what I want to do with this life of mine. Somedays I want to be a roaming bum and travel across Canada (and the world) working in little places to make enough to get by... but that 'corporate' training I have etched in me (from God only knows where...) tells me that I should save and then go on an 'adventure'... work myself to the point of snapping, then take a vacation to some place exotic... then do it all over again. Conflicted. I feel I am always conflicted.

I guess the point of this entry is that I am finding stuff out about myself that I never knew before... I have come to the root of why people have manipulated me for so long, and am changing it. I am such a trusting person, and will not give that up, but I will not let people pull me into their direction, either unless I want to go.... I am sturdy and strong, and I feel it is for the first time I can honestly say ever. I am scared to death, but I know I will be so much happier, healthier, and fulfilled if I follow MY path, beliefs and dreams, and not chase someone else's. That is my lesson learned today... I just hope I can stick to it!

Friday, July 07, 2006

Totally Blessed

Wow, I am still reeling from the experience of last Sunday, July 2nd (Jen and Taylor's anniversary)... Can't believe that I actually did it... but when I think of the fact that I jumped out of a plane, I get butterflies in my stomache. It was the most amazing thing I have ever done, and I am so excited to do it again (scared, but excited!)

I decided to write today about my cousin David, a constant source of inspiration for me despite the fact that he is only 8 (almost 9). He is a Cancer survivor. He was so close to death when he was 3 1/2, and now, he is 8 and so healthy and vibrant and beautiful. I could not imagine if we had lost him... he is such am amazing kid, so full of life and peace... he has this peace about him... a calm soul, an old soul.

Why this child is so inspiring to me is relayed in today's events. I went to a BBQ with him and his family that was put on by the Cancer society. I heard some heart breaking stories of some of the children and their families that this horrible disease has hurt. David seems to remember that he had Cancer, and the magnitude of that, but he seems to take it in stride, realizing that he is fully alive, in full remission. Some of the other children aren't that lucky, and he realizes that, he sees and acknowledges that but moves on with such grace and assuredness that is so uncommon for a child of his age. He is so certain about his life it seems, and here I am, 25 and not a clue. It scares me sometimes to think of how close we were to loosing him, and how totally blessed we are to have him in our lives to remind us all of how fragile life truly is, and how we should cease the day "Carpe Diem"!!! He is a steady reminder that life is not there for us to throw away in a place that makes us unhappy and feel irrelevant, he shows me that we all serve a purpose, and we all deserve happiness. I watched him play with his little brother, the one that came a few weeks after his diagnosis, and I see such pure joy. I thought Curtis would be David's replacement, I thought David would not make it, and now they wrestle in their living room, not thinking about that, not realizing that they almost never met. What a realization, what a blessing... to have not one, but two amazingly strong boys to call my cousins.

It is moments like this that make me realize (on an almost daily basis) that the decisions I have made in the past 8 months have been entirely for me, and me alone. For the first time in my life, it feels like I am actually living, soaking in life into the marrow of my bones. I look at my bulletin board I have of all the things I have done since January (when I moved here) and I sadly realize that I have done more in the last 6 months of this year than I have in YEARS... I have flown to LA for the weekend , I went to CATS, I saw George Strait, saw the World Speed Skating Championships, went SKYDIVING (most of them thanks to Derek)..... I've been to art galleries, and watched movies, and gone for drinks... It seems to never end, and I am loving every minute. I think some days I need to sit back, like I did today, and reflect on this, reflect on how life passed me by for so many years and I just sat and watched it go by. How terribly sad, no wonder I was depressed. Now, my world is good, active, productive, enjoyable and adventurous. I am loving every minute of it and I have NEVER said "Maybe I should go back....." And this makes all the pain I have caused myself and everyone around me worth it. It makes it make sense, and it makes me realize how truly blessed I am to have the ability to walk where I want to. I know people who don't have the freedom I have, to up and leave when they've realized the mistake they've made... the best thing I can say to them is remember who you are, who you were when you started this journey. We all change, but it should be for the better and if it is not, cut your losses and move on. The journey is the thing, the path we take... and if we are true to ourselves, then we can never go wrong. Find yourself again, regain that connection you once had, and go with it where ever it may take you, because I can certainly tell you it is one heck of a ride!! Remember Vive la Vie! Live the life! Cease the day....

Monday, July 03, 2006

The most AMAZING THING in the whole world....

First of all... THANK YOU DEREK, without you I might not have ever experienced this... you are amazing, wonderful and brilliant and in this case right....

Second of all... Thank you Chris, you are the best Tandem Master in the whole world.... I love you forever for taking my up there and helping me fly....

Third Thanks to Gus for the "Sick" video... you are a few screws loose buddy but that just makes you YOU! You rock...

So now the story!!!

I went and jumped out of a plane this weekend... from 13000 feet... I did it... I didn't actually think I could, didn't think I would make it but I DID!!! IT WAS AWESOME!!! It was the most intense, brilliant, amazing, breath taking, fun, crazy, unbelievable thing I have ever done... wow, was it great! It was a total sensory overload kind of thing... at first, when you are standing at the edge of the door, looking down going "Holy ****" (apparently several times) and then you are off... falling, your breath being taken from you until you breathe through your nose and realise that you aren't going to die of suffocation... and then, the camera guy (I got it all on video) grabs my arm and I look up, and see the beauty of the world from an amazing height in open air... and then Derek come screaming into our little circle and we all hold on to eachother... I remember thinking, This is so scary.... I want this to stop now... but after like 10 seconds of that... I was like, this is so cool, I am FLYING... I have always wanted to fly. I remember thinking, I can't feel my face, I wonder if I am smiling (but watching the video later, indicated that I smiled the biggest smile of my life... It could not have gotten any bigger!) Then Chris (the most amazing tandem master in the WHOLE WORLD) taps me on the shoulder which indicates that it is time for me to get ready to pull the parachute... he tapped me at 6000 ft. and I got ready and watched the Altimeter and when we hit 5500 ft, I PULLED and it was so amazing, it was like the world stopped for a moment and relished the fact that I saved my own life (and Chris') by pulling the chute... and then we soared... it was so calming and peaceful... the height totally did not bother me, it was awesome looking around... the cows looked so small... I got to fly the parachute... and I imagine that if I were to ever get one of my own it would be easier to control... the tandem canopy's are beasts! They have to be to hold 2 people... Then we landed... and I was vibrating I was so excited... it was the best experience of my life... brilliant and sooo intense... it took me a while to realise that I actually want to go again and see if it feels just like I remember it... most people say their second jump was scarier... if it does, I am game, because I know what it feels like when you land and things went great and you feel like you can conquer the world.... man was that great... can't wait to get up there and do it again... wow, that was totally worth it... the wait, the money, the time spent analysing and watching and learning all I could about tandems.... worth it all... and so much more... if someone said "lets go!!!" I would be on the next load! (but first I would have to find Chris!)

To anyone who has never done it, words can NEVER explain, infact it feels like words cheapen the whole experience... it was so spiritual, and not in the "God" context but in the "self" context... not everyone can jump out of a plane, and when you challange yourself to something like that and you succeed, it is a personal triumph... and it seemed that everyone at the DZ triumphed with me as they told me their stories of their first, and how it had changed their lives forever... it certainly has changed mine, and whether or not I get active in this sport :o) I will always know that if I set a goal and am determined to do it, no matter how scary or hard it is, I can ACTUALLY do it... that is what this whole thing meant to me... I CAN do the things that people thing I just can not do... I can do the things that scare me crazy... I can do the things that are going to be so difficult... I can do it all, and that is a revalation that I need at this point in my life, and now I am totally motivated, the list of things to do has one thing crossed off it... which one will be next??? Nude Beach anyone???