Saturday, May 27, 2006

Today is the day it is now!

Just a quick note to let all know what is going on.
It is a beautiful rainy day in Calgary, but that did not stop me from my morning run... I figure I have to prepare for the run in October... I want to run the entire 5 km and I figured that I should probably start now, considering how out of shape I am. It is nice to have that "Holy crap I am going to die" feeling you get from working out. I have re-connected with Yoga too, how I have missed it... Before you know it I will be back in shape and running in circles. It is going good.
Another note: My Dr. Said that if the results from the holtor Monitor (when they monitored my heart for 24 hours) are all clear then I can drive with out worry! I am super excited, and anticipating the moment when I can go for a drive worry free and just roam the city.
Other than that, I am doing well... Not philosophical debate going on with me today. I am at peace and it feels good. It feels refreshing to be calm and relaxed and not worrying about anything. I figure what will be will be and what has happened, has happened... Not much one can do about it, and not much to worry about. It is nice to feel this good. Today is a good day, Today is the day it is now...

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

The journey continues... With bumps

Ugh is all I have to say about this week thus far! UGH!!!
On Monday, the holiday, I got hit by some half-wit as I was driving George in a parking lot... How could someone not see me? I am like a bloody boat! This is a huge mess... I am not "supposed to drive" I am on the "recommendation of my physician" that I am not supposed to drive so this is going to be an interesting little adventure! What is done, is done... Move on, even if that means I move on from the pending jail cell that is destined to be mine! (I always have been a bit of a drama queen!!!)
Also, I feel lost and alone. I think it had a lot to do with this weekend and just being able to sit and think about all the things in my life. I felt inspired, but once that crazy lady hit me, it was like a land slide... I feel really crappy about things. Why is that? Why do I feel like I am wandering aimlessly when I have so much that I have planned... Why do I feel so alone when I have surrounded myself with people... Maybe it is like Mom said... I should take some time for just me. The problem is, I am not particularity fond of me most days, and this could potentially be the root of the problem. I am fine when there are people here, but I get angry and frustrated and just plain grouchy when there is no one else around. Crazy how my mother is tending to be more right than wrong lately... When they say you should always listen to your mother, you should listen to them (and subsequently your mother...)
But life goes on, trucking bravely along like Thomas the tugboat or the little engine that could... Bravely soldiering on slowly at times, when things are uncertain, and flying along when things are great! Why do I feel so down all of a sudden... I could be getting on full time at a job that I love... I have friends that I can go for drinks with... I have a boyfriend... I have a supportive family... I have a lawyer, and yet I am still not satisfied. Will my satisfaction come only from roaming the world? Will my satisfaction come when I find someone who understands my soul? Will I be satisfied when I have tried every possible way to make a man love me other than be myself? Wow... Such deep revelations on a Wednesday night... Thus is the journey... What would it be like without the un-answerable questions???
The question I post to you, the random world of unknown is Does everyone feel like this, or am I literally alone in how I feel I fit in this world? I guess I struggle for meaning in things, and as Carl Sagan alludes to, there is no other meaning... No hidden meaning in things. Things are because they literally and contextually are, that is it... If it has proven to be then it is, if it is unproven then it is not. He is scientific, and I am certainly not! (ask either one of my astronomy teachers... Yes there were two of them... Yes it was the same course... Need I say more???) What I think, despite what Mr. Sagan says, is that there is a reason, there is a purpose for everything. What a boring world this would be if there was no reason for me to be here at this moment, thinking these thought and sharing them with the unknowing world. We may not always know what the purpose is, in fact we seldom do, but there is one. I ask you to defy me and find someone that proves that there is no purpose... It is something that can not be dis-proven, or proven for that matter... It is a feeling, it plays on your emotions, it makes you ache with every ounce of your soul... The search for purpose... The reason for life. Certainly something to think about!

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Today it all starts

Today, the world is mine.
Today, the adventure begins.
With little money, a pending divorce, and determination, I begin again.
I am convinced that there is more to life than what I have been living, and by reading (a lot) about ancient places, and other's adventures... I am determined to not let life pass me by. I will not take the road that is most travelled. I want to roam the earth, penniless if I have to, but carefree and adventure-full.
So my adventure begins, and this, my documentation of it. I fear it will be slow going for awhile, as I have legal obligations still and little money to travel with (and now, no travel partner) but I am determined to not sit on the sidelines, and watch as others do things I wish I could. I will not go quietly.
I enjoy the fact that I have started writing again, and am feeling freed from the toils of my heart. This has so far been the least fun year of my existance... well, maybe not, I think that was last year... when I was still imprissoned in the cult that was my life. I wish, and hope that one day I will be able to share my writing with the world... but fear that it is not good enough. This has often been my fear, inadequacy and rejection. You would think by now I would have that licked! hahaha!
Life in Calgary has become a familiar world, moving at a comfortable pace. Progressing slowly, but maybe that has been the best for me. I have never been good at slow. I have learned patience and contentment with what I have (which right now is not much... George, my plants, my clothes and me!). I got news from my boss just Friday that she wants me on permanetly... I am estatic (one step closer to my adventures, monetarily wise) and also, a job that I desperatly enjoy (for now at least). I hope that things work out well, and that life continues to progress in the manner it has... it seems that all my dreams have come rushing back after my escape (which I feel it truely was) with a vengance, wondering why I had abandoned them and spent so many years silent and confused. Yes, my dreams do speak to me, my heart infact, and it has grown in-nummerably since November. I now remember what it was to desperatly want with regards to life and the tasks one needs to complete in order to feel whole. One of mine I know now was to be married... well, check that one off the list, and on to the next.
I may seem bitter, but I don't think I am. I think marriage is great, when you have thought about the consequences of it, when you are compatable with your mate in ALL things, when you feel that there is nothing else in the world you would rather do than be with that person... when you feel with every ounce that it is the right thing, the best thing, to do. Marriage is beautiful... I look at my Mom and Dad (who, by the way depart for their 6 week trek across Canada in July on their shiny wine goldwing). They have a marriage that should be written about (maybe one day!!!), a marriage that should be studied, a marriage that I envy, a marriage that is picturesque in all it's being. What great role models to have...
Anyways, the objective of this intro to my blog is not to philosophise about life, but to celebrate the beginning of my new life. The things I have planned are numerous, starting with skydiving this summer (thanks Derek!) and a mini-marathon on October 1 for Breast Cancer, and moving on to things like publishing something (anything really) that is mine, taking spanish or Italian classes, guitar lessons, travelling.... the list goes on (litterally, it is now close to 2 pages... like 48 things). "Life is what happens when you are busy making plans" - this will not be me anymore... I am going to just live openly in each day. Live inspired by the world, like I once did so many years ago (gosh, it has been a long time!). This is my ode, this is my vow... I will not "go gently into that dark light; I will rage, rage against the dying of the light" - I will be me again, and love it for all the right reasons, and not abandon it for the wrong ones.
Vive la Vie!!!