Wednesday, December 20, 2006

TA DA!!!! My shiny new wheels!


So, I have a shiny new car, whom remains nameless still... sorry folks! What an ordeal to get him though... shall I begin. I get off work early in order to go and pick him up but I have some errands to do down town (ie. get certified cheque to pay for new car). Derek so nicely volunteered to give me a lift to pick up new car, so I called him when I was done and he said he was on his way... 45 Minutes later, he shows up (to be fair, traffic was sickening so it wasn't his fault). Those who know me well know that when I have something I want to do I create a time line in my head... having Derek show up late messed up my time line and frustrated me. So, lucky Derek got to know grumpy Heather (sorry again sweetie!). So a 30 minute drive in crazy traffic across the city, and we are there to pick up my car. So I pay for my car, sigh, and have to run around to find a registration place. By then it was 6 pm or 18:00 for those on "military time" and we drove around trying to find a small registry place... finally we found it 5 minutes before it closed (6:30) and registered my car... I was terribly frustrated, and I think I growled a couple times at Derek. Poor guy was trying his hardest to make it all work out... sorry again babe!

So we drove back and I put the plate on MY NEW CAR, snapped a couple pictures and we were off! I beat Derek to my house by 10 - 15 minutes (not because I was speeding (much) but because I took a different route). I love my little car. Thanks Mom and Dad, I love my inheritance! :o) Thanks Derek for putting up with grumpy Heather and for driving me all over the city! You are most welcome for letting you drive the 7 kms in my new car... I must like you! Thanks to Aunty J for helping me pick out the perfect little car for me. I love it! I think I have put on 400km's so far. :o) Still no name, but I am sure that I will find one in the new year!

So, 2 days until the big 2-6... wow, can't believe that this year has come and gone already... I was just getting used to being 25, was kinda liking it. Now, I am going to be closer to 30, and it is time (so society says) to get my act together and start being a big person! I say PHOOEY! I think I am going to be one of those people that when I am 65 I am still going to stand outside when it is snowing with my head tilted towards the sky and catch big, white, fluffy snowflakes in my mouth. As A. W. Pinero says "Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young." I think I am one of those people, I don't know how to love any other way other than wholly and completely, so I will be young forever! I don't think that is a fault, I think that is something that people of today don't do enough. When you are willing to give everything to make the other person happy, then that is loving fully, completely. The trick, I have found is finding someone that gives their all right back, instead of taking all the time. That is I think one of the biggest lessons I have learned in my short (almost) 26 years. When you love someone, make sure they love you for you, and not for what you do for them. Make sure they give back instead of always taking. I must admit, it was a hard lesson learned, but it was indeed learned.

Merry Christmas to all the bloggers out there, I am not sure if I will make an entry whilst I am away in the great white north. Thanks for sharing my journey, and making this year a very happy one. Great things are to come in 2007, and I can hardly wait... I love you all!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Corolla for the win!!!!

So, I want you all to be the first to know... I BOUGHT A CAR! YAHOOOOO! I am totally pumped about this car, and more importantly, I am confident that I fenangled my way into a good deal with this car. My new car is nameless right now... have to get to know him (her?) before I decide on a name, although Newtin has been tested and pushed around a little... time will tell. It is a Toyota Corolla, tan, automatic, 69000km's, in really good condition, has a CD player (yeah) and HEAT (Triple, quadruple yeah!). I think he is going to be a good little car and I am excited to lean what he/she can do and how well we are going to get along. As for the retiree, George... it is with a sad heart that I am going to get rid of him. I am going to clean him up nice and send him to an auction and pretend that he is going to a nice family that will love him forever, instead of the reality of someone buying him for parts! One can hope and dream! I do want to send a thanks out to the parental units... I love my inheritance... I will use it well... thanks for making it happen, and thanks for always being the ones I can turn to when I am being my neurotic, anal retentive self... you know me too well... looking back, it was fun driving all those different cars... thank you, thank you, thank you! Also, thanks Aunty J for tagging along and helping me develop the game plan (that seemed to work wonders)! And thanks to Aunty J and Sandra for knowing about the all important TOYOTA JUMP!!!! You want it? you got it... TOYOTA! YAHOOOOOO! (I think the girl from BP's is still recovering!)

So, it is 8 days until I turn 26... closer to 30 now then 20... sigh, I knew the day would come. I am not ready to be a year older... I was JUST settling into my 25 year old skin, now I have to redo the whole thing at 26??? This could get exhausting! I just look at how great this year has been (aside from the crappy parts!) and I don't want it to end. It seems that with me, when something is happy and good I decide to try and mess it all up only to discover that I want to return to where I was... which is here. I seem to go in circles, and really... I like diamonds better... :o) I just don't like to admit that I will start to get old and *gasp* wrinkled.... I hate that time catches up with you. I guess it happens to us all!

So I fly out in a week and a day for the Hay. Looking forward to some of Mom's home cooking (nothing on EARTH beats it!) and having a visit, maybe watch a game with Dad as there are no council meetings to attend with him. Grandma is home this year for the holidays, so it should be a nice time with her too... looking forward to tackling some more puzzles? I still remember that lighthouse one... I swear, I can still see those lighthouses some days! I am looking forward to some tobogganing action, and a visit with Jennifer (and a tour of her new abode! Congrats on that Jen and Tay!). Tom, Leigh Anne and the girlies are going to be down here for Christmas, so I will miss them, too bad as it is Lil' Lilies First Christmas... Maybe when I get back I can drive out to Canmore in my NEW CAR to see them... Then before I know it... I will be 26, through Christmas, and it will be 2007... Time flies when you are joyful and happy! So, once again I leave you with a quote... this one is from Tex Cobb a famous Boxer... "The measure of a man is what happens when nothing works and you got the guts to go on." Speaking modestly, as always, I think that I have some guts, my world fell apart, my plans failed, and I sucked it up an am moving on... but I feel that nothing ever happens to you when you are standing still. You have to keep on moving and exploring and taking risks to get a head and get what you want. Don't settle, don't compromise until there is nothing left on your part, don't give it all away if you get nothing in return. Hold on, make sure your grip is firm when you walk into uncharted territory... and make sure it is what you want... then go for it with all you have, and don't look back! That is what I have learned this year... learn from the past, but don't dwell on it... stay soft for those you love and who love you back, but stay focused dealing with the world... it throws you curve balls... good thing I have learned this year how to knock them out of the park!!!

Friday, December 01, 2006

A year to remember...

Well it is official... it has been 1 year and 2 days since I left the town of 465 people, and I haven't looked back. This year went far too fast, was far too exciting, and I had far too much fun to look back. I have been thinking a lot about the past and it makes me sad to think that I could have hurt someone so much, and disappointed someone so much. It pains me to think about it actually. I honestly hope nothing but the best for him, he is a great man, but he just doesn't get me, and I couldn't be a part of his world; the world he refuses to step out of, and, in all honesty, I was a shadow in that world. A fraction of the person I started as, and if I had continued my soul would have vanished and I would have become empty. I don't regret for one moment the choices I have made, as they make me the person I am today. They make me realise what it is that I want, what I don't want, and how I should be treated. I know that I deserve to be happy in ALL that I do, I deserve to have opportunities to gain knowledge and creativity (by going to school and taking classes). I know that I am priceless, and that I should be treated as such, and not fall into the slave role, or the enabler role that I seemed to slink into while I was actively married. I have learned to be honest with myself, with what I want, with what I need, and with what makes me happy. I have decided what I want out of life. I want a successful career, I hope in law, and I want a significant other that is more a partner than a leader. I still have that longing to grow old with someone, to share my life with someone. I think that comes from being human and not wanting to be alone. I know that I haven't been "single" for very long periods of time through my life, and this worries people. I can't guarantee that I know what I am doing, but I can guarantee that I am following my head as well as my heart. I am happy, very happy, for the first time in a long time. This past year, despite the hardships, has been the happiest of my life. I am thankful for all the people that have been a part of it. Auntie J, Sandra, Cathy, Amy, Cayla, Nathan, Auntie Bonnie, Grandma and More importantly, Mom and Dad and of course Derek. My words will never fully express the gratitude I feel in my heart for each and everyone of you. You have filled the holes in my heart with your love, friendship and kindness, and that can never be repaid or appreciated enough. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. You have made my world complete.

So, on a completely different note, George will be going into retirement soon. He has been a good car, strong and reliable (save the past few months!). The best starter car a girl could have wanted. We had some good times, some bad times, some stressful times, but at all times, I was glad to have a car with such personality and flare. I have truly made him my own and he will be missed. His replacement...? Not quite sure what the verdict will be. I am going to look this weekend, and hopefully I can find a newbie (ASAP) so that I can retire George soon (he has no heat and seriously, I am afraid that the timing belt or something is going to snap while I am driving...). It is like the end of an era, the sun is setting on a chapter of my life... and like this entire year, I am getting rid of the old and welcoming the new. Seems fitting that I would be letting go of George this year, seems almost thematic in that all things from my past are let go, no matter how hard, so that I can fully embrace the future. Thanks George for the good times, and good luck with retirement... know that you were an important part of my life. You will be missed...

FYI - For all those who don't know this, George is my car, a 91 Eagle Premier. He had been mine since my 20th birthday. (Picked him up from Edmonton January 10th, 2001). He has been a great little car.

So, I guess I am a bit of a sap this morning. Perhaps it is the fact that the Christmas season is setting in, the carols are playing in the malls, the ground is lightly covered with soft, white snow. It is officially 25 days until Christmas, and only 22 days until I am 26... sigh, another year older... I guess no matter how happy one is, they can never stop their age from going up. I am still so young, but I fear that I will look back when I am 80 and realise that time went so fast, so I want to make sure that I enjoy it while I can. Hummm, this blog was supposed to be a quick little blurb on the anniversary of me leaving and about my pending purchase of a car. Can't help it when my fingers take over... they just have a mind of their own! Good day blogging world.... enjoy the first day of the Christmas season!

Monday, November 27, 2006

Relaxation + Entertainment = Great weekend!

Quick note from the Deep freeze that is Calgary... I don't normally think that it is chilly, or even Cold... but when it hits -27 C without wind chill in the morning, even I would classify it as cold. What can I say, I am wimping out! :o)

So, this weekend... wow, was it fun! I had a blast! On Friday, I had my last pottery class... sigh, it was sad, I loved pottery and plan on taking another course in the new year. I can see how I improved, and it makes me want to continue. So that was sad, but I have some really crappy and neat pieces to add to my not-yet-fully-here pottery collection. On Saturday, CoP (My company) paid for me and Derek to go to a movie with popcorn and the whole bit. We watched the new James Bond movie, and is was surprisingly better than the last ones. A lot less cheese, a lot more action. The new Bond, doesn't seem to care what the rules are, he is deviant and clever. Doesn't hurt that his baby blues are the color of the grotto in Capri... sigh! So yah, that was good. Then Derek and I did some shopping and had a coffee and stroll with a friend. We WERE going to go skating, but we lost track of time (and I mis-understood the schedule) so we postponed it. A nice relaxing night infront of the tele with the fire place on and it wintering outside... picture perfect! On Sunday it was off to the rink. YAHOO, did it feel good to be on skates. Props to my sweet... what a great kick at the cat. Very proud of you, and so happy that you came with me and stepped out of the comfort zone you love so much. You were brilliant, and there is more time to get to know the ice better... next week perhaps???? :o) I love the fact that Derek came with me, as he knows that I skated, and he isn't confident with his abilities. I told him that I tried his sport and so he should try mine. He was great! (Sorry, coaching 101 kicking in again!) I Guess it had been a couple years! :o)After the 'rip around the rink', we went to watch the movie "Deja Vu" in the WORLDS COLDEST THEATRE... it was a mind boggling, psychological thriller. If you liked "The Sixth Sense" you will like this one, even if it is a different pretense. Then it was off to grab some grub, rush home so that Derek could be late for work.... Sorry, my bad, guess I didn't plan well enough!!!! :o)

Anyhoo... it was a great, relaxing weekend full of joy and entertainment and Derek... love weekends like that... lets have more!!! Kisses to the next great one!You did brilliantly!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Just do it!

So I am sitting here, planning (yes, planning) the next couple months of my life... the LSAT course, the LSAT, Pottery, Spanish Lessons, Guitar lessons... I am certain the list would go on. I want to take Spanish before I go to Peru (I to be able to kinda sorta be able to understand them!), but I do love pottery... It was so relaxing. And I do want to become David Gilmore's protege oneday, so guitar stays.... sigh, to think, I have all these choices infront of me! Sitting here planning, reminds me of a quote. William Durant (the founder of General Motors) said, "Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you're going to do now and DO IT". I love the sound of that... don't worry that you screwed up, forget about that... just make a new plan and do it... I don't think he means that we need to discard our mistakes like they are nothing, I do believe he intends for us to learn from them, he is merely indicating that we should not dwell on things we can not change. We can't change the past. That is what I have been doing for the past year and it seems to be working well for me. I am happier than I have been in forever (if not EVER), and I am doing things that I love. What more is there? Right now.... nothing... Je suis content.

On a totally new topic... this is a poem I wrote in May.... just throwing it out there to the blogging world....

I MUST NOT...

Dreams are lopsided pleasures
Who owns their own dreams?
Guilty of innocence
My dreams are my muse.
the dreams I've had since I was little,
The dreams with which I arrived here.
alone
desolate
afraid
uncertain

I've been told that life is a journey
a collection of moments
dersires gone astray - abandoned
Life is a collection of experiences
a sum of people who grace it
the dictated path you take.

I know that inorder to become what I dream
I must not squander my soul
I must not loose myself
I must continue to tread - to wander
Follow the path that leads to desires
The often lonely path
The wandering road

Well... good night bloggers, I bid you audieu, until next time....

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Edmonchuck for the win!

It is a chinookie kinda day in Cowtown... not much snow here, sigh, seems like winter only hits the north lately. Not that I particularly want the snow, people here in the city seem to go MENTAL when it snows. I just miss how pretty it is, and some days long to look out the window and see the blanket of white. Well, I got this this weekend. I flew up to Edmonton to visit with the parental units (and of course to renew my membership to 'power shoppers r' us'!) It is amazing what can be done in just 8 hours... they managed to buy Christmas presents for Tom, Leigh Anne, Rowan, Lily, Jennie and Ken and Eli, Lucy and Gary, Grandma, Aunty J, Me (I think) and each other... WOW... it was the most intense power shopping session I have done to date... and this is an annual ritual.

It was also my mother and her twin sister Lucy's Birthday this weekend, so on Friday night, the immediate family (Mom, Dad, and Me) had a good meal at the good ol' Olive Garden (My favorite Place, yummy!). We had a great chat about the divorce, Derek, my job, my goals. It was really great for me, I felt like I could talk to them again, and not have to worry about what they thought. I am coming to terms with the fact that I may not always please my parents by my decisions, but they are my decisions and if it makes me happy then I should feel good about it, and not guilty. I realized this is how I felt about a lot of things in my life right now... most specifically Derek. He makes me really happy, we have fun, and he is very important to me, and I am glad that I could feel comfortable telling Mom and Dad this and not have to worry about their reaction, because that wouldn't change how I felt about Derek. So, I am glad that it was such a nice evening.

On Saturday night, we had a bit of a party at Jennie and Ken's. There was Aunty Lucy and Uncle Gary, Daniel and his girlfriend Barb, Jason and Raya (and little Jaxson), Jeremy, Uncle Frank and Aunty Irene, Aunty Margie, Tony and Joan (and Maddy and Becca), Jennie and Ken (and Eli) and Mom, Dad and Me. So like 20 people (counting the little humans). We watched the 'Oil' achieve victory after a shootout lasting 6 rounds (way to go Rolo!)... ate some Chinese food, had some cake (OK, 2 different kinds of cake), a little vino, and visited. It was a nice evening with family. Once the house had been vacated, it was present wrapping time. Seeing as Mom and Dad couldn't take all the presents with them, they wrapped some and left them there for Tom and Leigh Anne to pick up on their way down to Calgary for Christmas. If it wasn't for Margie the Machine, we would have been up past 2AM wrapping presents. A job well done! Thanks Margie!

So Sunday was a day of rest, literally. We hurried to the Airport, rushed through security and Dad barely made his plane (long line ups....) and Mom made hers quite shortly thereafter. Mom headed to Toronto (aka. the Centre of the Universe) for a conference and visit with her family, and Dad was headed for Hay River, home sweet home! So that left me.... well my flight didn't board until 3:30, and it was 11:00... so I had a snack, read a little and fell asleep in a chair by a fire for like 2 hours. I woke up and the people around me had changed and I was totally weirded out. You want to know the definition of a creepy, displaced feeling? Fall asleep in an airport... nothing there stays the same it seems. So I went and had some lunch, then found out that my gate had changed... rectified that and waited for my little 30 minute flight to Calgary... as Derek says, I could have driven there and back in the time it took me to board... oh well... C'est la vie.

Over all it was a good weekend. Not really restful, I am still tired, but it was fun in that I got to see some family, and I got to go shopping for a whole day. So, thanks Mom and Dad for the shopping... it was long and busy, but fun. And Thanks to Ken and Jennie for the hospitality, you always make me feel like royalty when I stay there. Oh, and a shout out the Pete Sr. Great seeing you again... you haven't changed one bit... hope your trip home was great! Good ol' Pete!

Sigh, so another week sets in, and it feels weird. This is the first week in like 3 that I have to work the whole thing. Not that I am complaining... it is just feeling odd... Just think 35 days until Christmas (yeah), and that means 31 days until I have another day off (other than the weekends). As Mom would say, it is time to hunker down, pull up the proverbial boot straps and get it done! I always find the time close to Christmas unbelievably hard to focus on something other than fun stuff... but that is why Christmas is so great, it is fun... I Love Christmas!

Sooooo..... Next item on the list... Skating.... ready my sweet??? We are going this week.... :o)Grab the skates, a sweater and some gloves and lets hit the ice... shall I make reservations???? :o)

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Remembrance

This weekend was nice and relaxing. I had Friday off due to Remembrance day and so I spent it doing all the things I should have done a while ago, like clean out my car and closet... I brought 6 more boxes to the thrift store, perhaps part of my simplification plan. I plan on having very little that I would have to store if I just take off to roam the world. Sigh, if that could only happen.

So, back to this weekend. On Saturday, remembrance day, Derek, Cayla and I went to the Jubilee to take in the festivities and watch Nathan as he stood post. He was like a machine, and only wavered once (mind you, it almost made Cayla and I have a heart attack, as we thought he might lose some teeth). Great Job Nathan! You did us proud! Then it was off to the legion, to toast the veterans. It brought back memories of the Legion in Jasper for some reason, and spending time there. It also brought back memories of Grandpa, of course, and both Cayla and I realized how much we missed visiting Grandpa after the ceremony. Crazy how little things like that become a part of your world. Then the bag pipes began to play, and I was three beers in... the tears began to flow and I began to miss Grandpa more. It seemed weird sitting in a Legion on remembrance Day, surrounded by Veterans from many conflicts and wars, listening to the bag pipes. They of course played Amazing Grace (seems like a pipe band can't go a session without playing that darned song), and this reminded me of Dad and me standing on a corner in Scotland, listening to the blind piper play... this song also reminds me of Grandpa, just something about it always makes me think of him. Just like "Danny Boy"... it reminds me of my Dad too... he used to sing that song often, doesn't anymore since it was a song at Grandpa's funeral. Crazy how a little song can remind you of so much. It is crazy how we can associate memories to songs. Crazy.

It is always an emotional day. It is like I have a day to remember Grandpa, the man who is the founder of our family. Where we got our name from (at least the earliest Hamilton I knew). The man that fought for our country, and saved his head while sacrificing his legs (at least that is what his running joke was). The man who could stick his finger SO far up his nose it would make you stare, until he pulled it out, and you realized that he had 1/2 a finger. The man that asked what I did to my head (when I shaved it) just days before he passed away. The man that always had a candy and whisker rub, and the man that would have a fire in the fire place everyday of the year if he could have. I love the fact that I have a day to remember him, and although he wasn't perfect, far from it in fact, he was still my Grandpa and I will love him forever. I am proud to say that my Grandpa was a veteran who fought for our country, who lost many friends for our country, and who sacrificed a part of who he was for our country. I am proud to say that my Grandpa was a hero. So, it was a great day in remembrance, solemn at some points, but happy and reminiscent for most. Thanks Cayla for the venues, and Thanks Derek for coming with and being a part of the whole experience. It was a great day. It was a great way to remember what was sacrificed and a great way to remember the people that fought for it. To my Grandpa, to the memories, to the hero.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Welcome November!



Wow... if all months start like this, I wanna sign up for that plan... yowza! So, it was snowy and pretty and nippy for Halloween, the poor little humans had to bundle up to rob us big people of our coveted candy. I passed on this ritual this year, maybe next year I will be more in the "boo" spirit... instead, Princess Heather went out for supper with her knight. (We did go and party the night away the Friday before, so we felt we should hunker down for a relaxing evening... besides, Halloween is a great time to go to a restaurant, no kidletts running up and down the isles or screaming...) I do have to admit that I have the most BEAUTIFUL little humans related to me... Princess Rowan and Lily the Sprite. (you can see their pictures... aren't they sweet?)



So, after Halloween, there have been concerts and more concerts... First was James Blunt... (James who? He is a new rock singer, and I totally dig his stuff...) Derek and I had wicked good seats (third row, centre) and sat there and watched as this great song writer wooed us with his lyrics and crazy antics... you know you aren't totally famous when you can jump off the stage and not get MAULED to death!!!!! He is a great guitarist, and even once while strumming his 12 string acoustic, he got really into it and you could see strings breaking as he played... totally cool. I think Derek enjoyed it (that was after Grandpa Camera dude got fired after the opening act... good job Lou!). I love James' soul-wrenching, passionate, heart-breaking songs. I discovered him like 7 months ago and I fell in love with how inspired he made me feel. His songs are the reason I am writing again. (and probly the reason why they are OVERLY mournful and isolationistic). Anyways, LOVE James Blunt... even if his eyes totally freaked me out! :o)

That was Friday night, and last night was the Bush Wackers themselves, the Dixie Chicks... Gawd was that a great show. They sang for 2 hours solid... and mixed their old stuff with their new... it was awesome... I love their stuff, and have always... and NOW, I love them even more because they are standing up for what freedom should mean, and not what the government tells us is freedom. I love the fact that they make no apologies for what they stand for, they are who they are fearlessly, wholly, tirelessly. It is inspiring to me when people stand up and fight against the man... the one who dictates to us how we should live and who we should listen to. Who says that democracy is the right thing, or capitalism? History? Funny how history always has a tendency to lie. History can be morphed into something it was not even close to being. An example... if you ask me the history of my life, and if you ask my Mom the history of my life they would be similar... but if you ask Joe or Kevin for my history, I am CERTAIN it would be jaded and untrue. Anyways, I like how the Dixie Chicks stand up for their rights under the "Constitution" which is what most Americans preach.

So, what is on the horizons for the remainder of November? Well, Remembrance day is coming up, that always makes me ponder the freedom I take so much for granted. And then I fly to meet the Parental units (and 1/2 my mom's family almost) in Edmonton. I am very lucky this year, as I get to celebrate both my mom and dad's birthdays with them. This hasn't happened in close to 10 years, since I have been out of high school... wow, 10 years, sigh!

So blogging world... I'll write more when I have more to write... (talk about circular... I should be a politician!) I will, as always, leave you with a quote... "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change!" ~ unknown. I like to believe that there is a plan for me, but that doesn't mean I am going to sit by and "let it pan out!" I am going to take charge, move on, keep it going... and my attitude has changed so much over this year... The real Heather has emerged, and thus, the things that are in my world are totally different, and keep changing. This is because I have taken life by the reins and started steering myself, not letting someone else do the driving. This (changing my attitude and the way I look at life), has been the most important change of this year, and just look at what I have accomplished! The way you look at things, changes your life... I believe this, and have proved this, and am loving every minute of it.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

What life should be.

It is a cold, gloomy, snowy day in Calgary... I have sat the majority of today and snuggled on my couch with the fire place on and watched movies. I have been in a dark and twisty mood today.... contenplative and quiet. I like days like today when I sit and wonder where I am going to be in 5 years, 10 years... I sometimes come to conclusions about where I want to be and what I want to do. The only conclusion I have come to today is that I want to go back to school... really want to, but I am not sure If I can. I like making money and being able to plan things and being independant... but I want to expand myself, want to learn more, I want to be the sponge again and soak in knowledge. I want to have a conversation with people where it doesn't involve work or problems... I do have one person like that, and I value that so much, but I long to discuss things in a group setting and learn new things and discover... I miss that. The problem is that I don't know if I can get in to law school (I AM going to try) and if I don't the next option would be my Masters and I am not sure I have the capabilities for that... I just don't know. I know that I want to travel too, and if I go back to school that would have to be put on hold... I don't know if I could afford it, Ahhh, I don't know... I just don't know what the future will hold for little ol' me!

I have been sitting in my solitude this afternoon. Trying to answer lifes tough questions. Trying to decide what it is that I want to be when I grow up.... and I have not come to any firm solution. Winston Churchill says that "It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time." I think that I have grasped the link to move here, get settled, and now I am going to grab the link to get into law school. I will follow Winston's advice and stop the planning there. I know that I had my whole life planned and it turned to crap... SOOOO, I am just going to let life unfold as it does, because it seems that the moments that aren't planned are always the best. I believe in destiny, I believe that life happens for a reason, and me being here, and doing the things I am doing all serve as some piece in the puzzle of life. The journey is the thing as I always say!

So.... the next piece I am sharing with you all is a little less dark than the last two I shared. It was written May 4th, 2006

Free of it all

Travelling this world solo
no cares to hold me back
Exploring, discovering the Earth again
No one to hold my hand.

The choices I've made
The bridges I've burned,
support me being here.
The plans I've made
The life I've lead,
slowly slip away.

Going from surrounded to alone
Having friends who don't care.
Once they find the truth
They'll just walk away.

Not saying goodbye, my biggest crime,
honestly how could I
Leaving quickly in the night,
Fears of being found out.

Some say it is for the best - I'm better off.
True that's for sure.
Away from the guilt of not being the best,
I can't be a better me.

I lived in a world,
No one knew me.
The honest, true me.
The inside or the outside.
Separated from my passions,
separated from myself.
I onced lived there,
Now I am free.
Free of it all!

Well blogging world... I must away. But I leave you with this thought... "Dream what you want to dream, Go where you want to go. Try to be who you really are; Because life is short, and often gives you only one chance to do things." ~unknown. Be who you really are. Live how you really want to live. Take the chances you are afraid to take, take those steps you thing are so hard, because it is through them that you triumph and honestly, that is what life should be.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

The world according to ... ME!

If I could choose to be anything (and I couldn't be me, because that would be my first choice of course!) I think I would like to be a cat... think about it. You get attention when you want it (because you just don't quit when you want a good petting), you always have food and water, and you get to lay around all day in sunbeams and you can wreck stuff and the worst you will get is a squirt of the dreaded water.... yes, I would be a cat... OR a billionaire... but really, aside from being able to communicate, travel and collect shoes, is there a difference??? :o)

So the world according to me... is pretty low key. My princess Rowan went into surgery yesterday for her eyes and things went smashingly. She is in good spirits last I heard but looks like she was attacked by some ruffians... poor little angel. I am so excited to see her now, because we will be able to see her beautiful eyes and she will be able to see better and not have to tilt her head back. I am happy that she made it out of the operation ok, and that she is going home with her daddy tonight... Fly safe guys...

Ummmm... ok, news, My Dad has been elected for his third term as a Town Councillor... Congrats Dad... and thanks for inspiring me to be political! My Mom received her certification for an International Lactation Consultant... if you are lactating, my mom is your gal! I knew you could do it.... great job mom... thanks for inspiring me to never stop learning. Finally, and less exciting, Meemo is in good health and has received his shots, he has doubled his weight in 3 weeks, the porker, and is playful and cute... aka, annoying and wrecks stuff! :o) If he wasn't so cute, he would be a rug right now... :o)

I want to share a saying I have collected and put it out to a friend, someone who is not certain where they want to be and what they want to do... "One of the best ways to win any game is to write the rules" - Michael S. Malone. There is never going to be a solid answer, or a right and wrong when it comes to what you believe your path is... you just have to go and do what you feel is right... follow what your gut tells you to do... let your senses guide you. If you are dedicated to your goal, you must be dedicated... whole heartedly, and I understand that, the determination it may take. You don't like to lose, or even come in second... so the way you can win is to play the game your way, do what it is you feel is right. Follow your heart, because if you do what you believe is right, you are never wrong!

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

My George has failed me! Sigh!

"Awww Man", was all I could say when George, my 91 Eagle wouldn't start on Sunday. After a tow truck ride he arrived at the worlds best mechanice... they are SOOO good that they didn't have to do a darn thing... he started just fine for him... freaking car! So, the only problem was the GIANT inconvenience to me... sigh, the woes of having an old car. He works now, starts just fine... weird! I hate to say it, but George will have to be replaced soon! It will be one sad day.... he has been my constant in my adult life (aside from my family of course!). He has always been there, reliable, sturdy, dependable (mostly), and now I am going to turn him in for a newer model... sigh, sometimes it totally sucks that things you love sometimes have to be replaced.

So, I am sitting alone at my computer, and pondering life... as I often do... I am compelled now, to share something with you, the world of the blog, that I have never shared with anyone... some of my latest writing. I must warn you, it isn't bright and cheerful, most of my stuff isn't, but I like these, so I will share them with you.

UNTITLED
Life is so funny
Sometimes happy,
Most times not

This barren life
in which I live
Requires solitude

Darkness is common
Happiness fleeting
Daylight is never as bright as when you are alone

People enter this world
full of hope
Not knowing their dreams are joyless

To fulfill ones dreams
solitude must enter
Not forever, for a while

Time alone is precious
Knowing oneself, vital
Surviving your dreams depends on it

Being alone is not to be feared
being surrounded isn't either
Depends on where you are, in location, in life

Solitude is not wrong,
it graces us with knowledge
The knowledge of yourself

"Don't ever loose yourself"
I heard her say
It still rings in my ears

I've never been good at it
at listening
You know she is always right

I was never right myself
never wrong either
Just alone in my convictions, my solitude, my thoughts

Being alone is not to be feared
being soul-less is
I am free from the soul-sucking captive

Free to be alone.

UNTITLED
I write of pain, of love, of fear
No one knows any deeper,
No one knows the true me
the inside

I'm driven and proud
I'm lovely and tall
I'm honest and true
you never knew this did you?

I speak of feelings, but you know
nothing is black and white
No one knows how this feels
I'm under rated

I'm passionate and loyal
I'm sincere and steady
I'm beautiful and sure
but, you never knew this did you?

Bet you never read my story,
no book speaks of me
But I am here now, strong and proud,
and you won't get me!

you won't get me now,
I'm not for you,
I'm not for anyone,
anyone but me,
But, you won't know this will you!

There you are blogging world, my outlet has been revealed. My work has been posted... Just a note, this doesn't count as a publishing my work... Perhaps oneday someone will want to read my stuff, other than those who I subject it to! Man, I could go on for days... but I wouldn't subject you to that in the first installment...

Oneday, I wish to write great, thought provoking things... much like the quotes I often share with you all... but for now, I squander my little words on a blog... and honestly, I am happy with that... for now!

Friday, October 13, 2006

Thanks!

This week, the week after Thanksgiving has caused me to reflect on Thankfulness. Indeed, it is left up to interpretation as to what Thankfulness actually is. It could be, being happy that your life doesn't suck as much as someone elses' does, being grateful for the items you posess, rejoicing with and in the people that surround you. There are many means of Thankfulness. Me. I am thankful for what I have, and being able to do the things I can (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially...), and I am VERY thankful for my family. Without them I would have shriveled up in a corner almost a year ago. I would have never pulled myself up without their acceptance and guidance, support and love. I have an amazing Mom, Dad and Brother (kisses to the princesses!)... as well as aunts and uncles and various cousins of all shapes, sizes and age.

The thing I am thankful for, and here comes the cheese... is that I can live my life. That I can fly to Edmonton to visit my parents, or take in a concert, or take pottery lessons (which I totally LOVE)... I can do the things that matter to me with out restriction, or having to explain why, and feeling good about the decisions I have made. I think one of the things I am most thankful for is the return of me... The return of the free, fun loving, adventurous, neurotic, OCD person I once was, and will be forever more. I am weird (so says many members of the free world) and I am now ok with that... infact I can dig it. I like being the one who wears a tiara in the mall, and who has a label maker, and who has 400 pairs of shoes (I WISH). I like being the one who names inanimate objects (shout out to George and Webber-Lee)... I like being the one who is up for anything, whether it be a drive to a DZ or the reptile show in Edmonton, to cleaning out your basement, to building Ikea furniture, to sommersaulting down the Mackenzie Highway... I like being me, and I am comfortable in who I am and what I want (most days I know!!! ha!). I am thankful, so VERY thankful, that I was given a change to grow from my experiences and walk away from them with far less strings than most. I am thankful I have been allowed, able, encouraged, to break through those walls I put up, and be free again to be who it is I want to be.... not what someone else wants to mold me into. I am so thankful to be happy and living and free.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Apparently, you can track me down!!!


First thing is first... I have to say... AWWWWWWW... isn't this couple cute? World, Meet Derek, Derek, Meet world! Kisses my crazy techie!!!

So I got this call the other night, Monday night I think, and it was Mel, a girl I know from the University of Lethbridge. Apprarently, my friend Pam got married this summer... Congrats to Pam and Evan, hear you are doing great... congrats on the transplant Evan... hear your looking GOOOOOD!!!! The EX sent a note to Pam indicating that he and I are no longer together... THANKS FOR FORWARDING THE INVITE... I might have wanted to, I DON'T KNOW... ATTEND the wedding!!!! This through the girls Pam, Mel and Cindy into a whirl wind trying to track me down. They googled me (to no avail... sigh!) and then 411'ed me... they got H. Nieboer (cringe) and that, as if you didn't know is the Ex's grandma... she lives in an old age complex... I guess Cindy and Mel thought that because of my accident, I was put in a home and left to rot... hummmm, wonder why they thought the Ex was capable of that... life leaves you clues! So, they called H. Nieboer, only to have a great little conversation with Hilda... with that plan being aborted quickly, Mel and Cindy thought it might be good to call my Mom and Dad... good thing Cindy keeps things obsolete (like wedding invites!) and the clever girl remembered that Tom my brother lives in Yellowknife and Tom my dad lives in Hay River... so Cindy calls my mom, chats it up, and mom informs them that I infact am well (and blissfully happy) and living in Calgary. SO Mel called me and left a message... and I called her back and we chatted for like an hour. Man, it was so good to hear from her. It has been about a year, and it feels like no time has passed. Wow... it is good to know that some friends will always care. So, that is the latest in the land of Heather...

I stole this quote from one of Derek's skydiving magazines...
"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor souls who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twighlight that knows neither victory nor defeat" - Theodore Roosevelt
WOW... what imagery, they live in the gray twighlight... you can picture it, and while it is nice, it is pale in comparison to the sunset, or sunrise that comes and goes with twighlight. It is like they just missed it... perhaps the IT here is life. Why would you want to sit safely in the twighlight when you can revel in the triumph of the sunlight? He is (I believe) suggesting that we dare the things that scare us, and challenge us, and motivate us... and although we may fail, and fail often, that doesn't mean we should quit... I love these types of quotes... quotes that stir up passion, and motivate me... challenge me to step outside of that comfort zone I love so much and do the things that I long to do but have always been afraid. Funny thing, when I was talking with Mel, she said something to the effect of "Heather, when ever you do something, you do it all the way... there is no half way with you!" and Cathy my cousin says "Heath, when you say you are going to do it, there is no doubt in my mind that it will be done!" and Cayla says, "You just do things so 'large'!" I guess it is true... it is all or none with me. There is no half way. That is why I get hurt so easily I guess... you either get none of me, or all of me. I am devoted to you, intensely and whole heartedly, or I don't really care. I like to think that this is a beautiful part of who I am... I run towards that sunlight, triumphant and brilliant, with arms wide open... I don't want to grow old sitting in the twighlight, wondering what my life could have been. As Robin Williams says in one of my favorite movies "Dead Poets Society"... Carpe Diem, seize the day, Make your lives extrodinary!"... Why would you want less... I know that I have embraced this, and have vowed to live life by this... why sit, like I have done, and watch life go by... why think that life is just something you do, rather than something you make? I choose to live a life of joy and laughter, because frankly, I die... shrivel up and cease to exist, it I live another way. I NEED to make life extraordinary... and so I try, and now I think that I have succeeded! (at least for now....)

Monday, October 02, 2006

I can do anything!!!

To begin with... I want to tell you about my amazing parents. They toured across Canada on their motorbike this summer (in fulfillment of Dad's life long dream!). I am very proud of you both, and so glad you are my parents. Thank you for teaching me to go after my dreams and achieve my goals. Without you, I would be lost and dishearten. Thank you for all you do for me... I promise, when you are old and feeble, you will be in the nicest home your money can buy!!! :o)

I was among the 15, 000 people that ran on Sunday in the Run for the Cure. But unlike them I ran for myself as well as for the people I know who have struggled with Breast Cancer. My goal was to RUN the 5K and I ran the entire 5 Kilometers. I reached a personal best of 30 minutes and 10 seconds... my previous best was 38 minutes. If felt so good to be able to set a goal like that and accomplish it. It was amazing, all along the route, random people were cheering you on... some people decorated their lawns, and others had little "In Memory of" type displays. There was even a bagpipe band at Kilometer 4 (and those who know me, would know that hearing this TOTALLY pumped me up... I was revved for the last Kilometer!) As you are coming in to the finish line, people are cheering, lined up on either side... it was an amazing feeling, with my legs burning, tears in my eyes from Joy, I crossed... knowing full well, that I ran EVERY SINGLE STEP of the run, and fulfilled my goal... one I trained for, for 2 1/2 months... I am sad to see it come to an end. I am going to have to find something else to motivate me to go to the gym everyday. I am thinking a 10K, but not until spring as I think the running season is over... I might just have to find a running buddy... what do you say Derek??? :o)

My roommate also moved in yesterday. She is really quite, and super nice. I think her and I will get along great, and that isn't just because we aren't going to see much of each other, but because we are compatible. Her dog is so cute and nice, he doesn't bark, doesn't shed, wags his tail and is really calm. My kind of dog. I am glad that things went smoothly, and it should continue like that.

Everything else in the land of Heather is great. I started pottery on Friday, and although I am not (and I fear never will be) a "potter" by trade, I think I did ok. What I made was total crap, but it is the technique that you are going for on your first class apparently, and not beautiful pottery... who knew, I came for the beautiful pottery!!!! Today I start my guitar lessons with Cathy. I am totally going to suck at this too, but you know what, it is about time I put that guitar to use.... I've only had it for like what 7 years! Great investment Mom and Dad... ha! Thanks for the birthday present I can STILL use 7 years later! :o)

Other than this, my world is right, my world is good. Derek has been quite the busy dude, but this has allowed me to do the things I want to do and not feel guilty that I "ditched" him for pottery or something. This is one of the great things about Derek, I can do what I want... a foreign concept... If I want to go to Edmonton with Cathy to pick up her less than perfect dog, I am gone... If I want to go to Pottery class on Friday nights, done! I guess it is his crazy work schedule that allows this to happen too, but he encourages me to do the things I want. Like just last night, we were talking about law school, and he said that if it is something I want to do, why not? And if I become a lawyer after that... it is good, if I don't then that is good too. Wow! What a different look on things... maybe it is the city that does it... expands your mind to the possibilities of the world. What I know for sure, is that if I wanted to be a Circus freak he would say, go for it... (much to Mom and Dad's chagrin!)... he is very supportive of my goals... and so Thank you Derek for being you, and allowing me to be me. Why should it be any different right? :o)

I will leave you once again with a quote... my claim to fame perhaps. I think of my uncle Stan everytime I post a quote, so perhaps that is why I like to do it. He was a great man, and I just wish I could have known him better. He too liked quotes, and collected them. I didn't know this until he passed on, but it is a connection I have with him, and I want it to continue. Spurgeon said "Many men owe the grandeur of their lives to their tremendous difficulties". What a beautiful thought. I think about my short little life, and dream one day of being great and wonderful and remarkable, and then I read this, and know it is possible. I look at things in a positive way (for the most part) and if I can get through this past year, I am certain that I can get through anything. It is the journey that is the key, and it is the journey that makes us unique and wonderful... it is the journey that we owe the grandeur of our lives. What a thought provoking statement... what a realistic thought.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Wowzers, Time Flies!


WOW, it has been 10 months tomorrow since I left, it feels like an eternity... it feels like that was never really my life, just a dream that went sour. Just look at all the things I have done... WOW... and for some of them I have the pictures to prove it!!!

Well, I have a new roommate... her name is Kim and she is a merchandise purchaser at the Home depot. She works a wacky shift of 4AM until 12:30PM, so she won't be home much when I am there, and if she is she will be sleeping! That just means I have to cool it with the non-existent parties I have... Ha! She has a dog that is the size of a pit-bull (and looks like one too!) but he is super nice (and you know it takes a lot for a "Dog Fan" like me to say that...) So, this should work out well. Glad to not have to worry about a roommate anymore... I love it when I can check things off my list of things to do... I am down to just 4 items and they all depend on other people, so I am happy with that!

It is interesting... I thought a falafel was like a waffle that is flat (would that not make sense???) but instead it is a cluster of deep-fired chick peas... mmmmm, yet another item added to the Yuckie, never going to eat pile! Man, I falafel that I won't give it a chance... HA! (Will my dorkiness cease ever????)

So, my next big anticipation... my run... On Sunday, I am participating in "The Run for the Cure", and for the past 2 1/2 - 3 Months, I have been training for it. I feel like I am in the best shape of my life, and I am totally pumped that I can run 3 1/2 miles in like 38 minutes... not a world record, but pretty good for me I think... Look out Inca Trail, I am going to KICK YOUR PATOOTIE!

I am totally stoked, but totally scared about this run... I have never been good walking into a room and knowing that A. there are people here that are FAR better than me at this, and B. Doing something like this for the first time. I am always a little shaky the first time, but next year, I will waltz in there like a pro and feel much better, much more confident. I know I will be fine, it is just I will feel alone.... good thing there are going to be people at the finish line to cheer me on! Thanks guys, I love you too!

SOOOO, what else.... I figured I should get the world of Blog readers caught up on the goings on of ME... been hearing complaints about the 12 day stretch with no posting... you know who you are (hehehe)...

I guess I could leave you, like I have often with a quote... "A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you can not do" - Walter Bagehot. I read this often and realize that there are many things I have been told I can not do. I have been told that I wouldn't be able to do this up coming run... but you know what, I can! Someone said that I would never be able to jump out of a plane... been there, done that... someone said that I couldn't go to law school, well, I am sure going to give it a shot. There is an LSAT course in January and in February I can write the test... gotta think in steps, and once that is done, then I can focus on what to do from there. I have been looking at Law Schools and honestly, U of Sask. is one that appeals to me. They are on a committee that helps the chair of the Human Rights commission of Canada make decisions... TOTALLY something I could do! Totally something I could have some passion for... because, incase you forgot, life should be lived with passion... as Cayla says, "The passion of a thousand suns!" (normally this is in referal to hating something, ha!

I still think somedays how great it would be to sit in the House of Commons, bantering on policies, heckling the opposition, blaming the government for all things wrong with society... MAN would I love that... I just don't think I am strong enough to do that, I cower when someone gruff confronts me... most days. I think I am not bitchy enough (although some might disagree... ha!). You know what, I am a mere 25 and 5/6, I have lots of time, who knows it may just happen yet... That, or just call me Madame Justice Hamilton! That has always had a nice ring to it, hasn't it Mom and Dad??? Ha!

Friday, September 15, 2006

Life is beautiful and the world is right!


As promised, here is a photo of my little beauty of a boy... Meemo!

It is a cold and rainy morning in Calgary... Fall is certainly in the air! But ironically enough, life is beautiful and the world is right!

I have for the most part moved into the basement of Aunty J's and it is cozy and warm (thanks to the fireplace!). A few more things need to find homes, like my candles, movies and CD's, but I think that it is nothing a good trip to Ikea can't fix... I love a good trip to Ikea!

Meemo is growing, and progressively feeling more at home. He is my shadow when I am in the house... constantly following me to see what it is I am up to. After 4 or 5 trips up the stairs, he is tuckered out though, and so we sit on the couch, lying on our backs and watch some tele! He is the cutest little creature I know and I am so glad he is a part of my world. Thanks Cat... how amazing you are to hone in on the one thing I truly wanted and didn't have. A cuddly kitty!

Things in other aspects of Heather Land are great! Derek is amazing, and proves daily that he honestly did hear what I said... and he took it to heart. He is constantly spoiling me and complimenting me, and all the attention could be going to my head, as I am starting to think that I AM actually very Beautiful.... What is up with that??? Honestly I find myself growing more smitten each day... and it seems that I can't get enough of him. Why is he so fascinating and intriguing?

My job is amazing. I find myself challenged daily (just yesterday I was asked to help prepare a statement of defense... wow!) and it seems that I can never get enough. I like to be the first one here, and the last one gone... not to "prove" anything, but because I simply LIKE being here. I am excited everyday to come to work... and although I find some things stressful, I find it challenging and it motivates me to do more and work harder, and it also motivates me to fulfill my dream and become a lawyer. I think about this everyday and it seems that the more I think about it, the more I want it, and the more I want it, the closer it comes to being reality. I want to take the LSAT course in January and then the test. I figure things should happen in baby steps. This means, if I want to GET INTO law school, I have to start doing more community work. Only part of the entry process is based on marks, the other part is based on community involvement and volunteering... think I have a handle on this one! HA!

So, this is my world... nothing hollywood about it, but I love it, and I wouldn't change a thing about it... most people would want more money, but me, I am happy with what I am making, keeps me honest and humble, but fed, clothed and housed! (with a couple extra things...). I honestly wouldn't change a thing... everything that has happen has lead to this peaceful part in my life, and I know that I will look back at this time, and relish in how happy and contented I was... and that makes me happy.

Monday, September 11, 2006

To Nobleford and Beyond!

I first want to remember that it is Sept. 11... 5 years ago today the World Trade towers went down. It seems so foreign to think about that time and place. I was with Joe then (it was nearly the end... Oct. 9th to be exact... how is it I remember the days I leave??? hum!), I was going to school, just started at the U of L... wow, seems like forever ago. A lot has happened since then too! Wow, it is crazy how life just continues. There are points where you think the world is going to explode, and that it is falling apart, but it doesn't, it never does. Life just keeps going. I think of all those people who lost members of their family on that day, and how devastating it must have been... and I think of why that would be more devastating than like a car accident or something... and I believe that it is because someone purposely chose those buildings because of the massive amount of people it would kill. That is what is so tragic, those people meet their doom because they worked in a large building. So I am thinking of those people, as I sit in my office today on the 16th floor and pray that something that tragic will never happen to anyone I know.

So, this weekends events... wow, was it ever weird being back... first thing I noticed as I drove the bulky U-Haul into town is that they have completed phase 1 of the walking path. Congrats go out to all members of the Parks and Rec Committee. You are one step towards your goal, I knew it would get done, it looks GREAT! OK, second thing I noticed, is that I don't miss living there... what a small bumpkin country town. I wanted to turn around and run, but I kept on trucking (pardon the pun!) and drove up to the shop (looks good re-painted, funny how much motivation he has now!). Everything went smoothly, him and I communicated how we wanted this to go down, and we settled half way in between (at least that is how I saw it!). Then, I preceded to hand Mark (he was there too, and man he looks bad... gained a bunch of weight or something... not sure, but he doesn't look that good!) boxes of my things. Kevin and Mark packed the U-Haul for me, as I checked items off the list... it was great being in charge... felt weird though! Then SHE showed up... seriously, I am not a violent person... but I would LOVE to punch that lady in the head and watch her go down like a tone of bricks... I would probably feel totally horrid for doing it, but that brief moment of satisfaction would be wonderful, and honestly all I would need. She is so manipulative... trying to pry things out of Devon and Cathy about my life... I shut her up when she asked "So have you applied for Law School yet?" and I retorted, "No, but I am writing my LSAT's in January!" I'm not, but I hope to be fully divorced by then, so it doesn't matter, besides like I care what she thinks... it shut her up though, maybe the thought that I am making plans... Anyways... Kevin was very amicable, and he looks good... he's lost some weight, has bulked up and looks good... it took me a bit off guard, but he looked so foreign, and not very attractive... ok, his muscles made me smile, but then I looked up and got freaked! Our conversation was all business, and we kept it light. He said that he wants to get this over with ASAP and hopefully we can work it out together (now that shocked me, we couldn't work out being married, but we can now listen to eachother and share things??? WTF?) I am just happy that he wants this to be resolved as quickly as possible... that works in my favor! So they loaded the U-Haul and we unloaded it in Calgary... it went well! I went through it all on Sunday morning, me and a pot of coffee... and my tunes, good to have some of them back... I am certain I am missing some thought... like my Road Hammers CD, going to have to buy that one again, he isn't going to give it up.... ironically he used to sing their song when he was really drunk, and I would smile, because I had really fond memories of the Road Hammers (wink, wink!)

So yeah, Sunday morning, that was interesting... I thought it was going to be the typical, lets get this all organized type event for me... and I was taken aback when I got quite emotional about somethings... I was really angry at him when he forgot to pack the lids to my 'go cups' and my Yoga mat... and I got really sad when I found a stack of information on Bi-polar disorder and borderline personality disorder... I think it was anger too, I just didn't throw the papers against the wall, I broke down for a couple minutes... and then there were some pictures that got me a little... however, I notice that he didn't pack the wedding photos, glad of it too... (all though, I have to say that I looked totally smoking that day, despite the extra 25 -30 lbs... I was beautiful that day!). I was shocked that I had that reaction though... I thought I was ok with everything, but it goes to show me that sometimes there are little pieces left of your broken heart that float up at moments you don't expect. I guess that is part and parcel of this crazy ride they call life!

So, I got things organized, and then filled the U-Haul with all the trash I had picked out... there was quite a bit. I told Sandra that I was going to the dump, and she had a garage FULL of stuff she has thrown out that was from her split with Chris... so it worked well! Sandra and I are bombing along in this U-Haul, and we get there, and the dude tells us that if we score him a fiver we won't have to weigh in... SCORE! We didn't have cash (I know TOTALLY NOT ME!) so we turn around and I stop and say WAIT, I look in my wallet... and low and behold, a 5 dollar bill... FAB! So we turn around and go through the gate, and have a heck of a fun ride up the hill to the drop off site... Sandra and I released a lot of anger and sadness on that landfill, and suddenly my back didn't hurt so much, the stress oozed off me, it was liberating... When we got back, we loaded the stuff for the Sally Anne, there was a lot of stuff in this load too, and the nice gentlemen at the drop off helped us. It was great to be free of all that clutter... by the time my trips with the U-Haul had ended, I was left with 1/2 the stuff I hauled to Calgary... Less than that (Still too much for me though!)

So we are off to drop off the U-Haul, and this lady who I think was younger than me, tells me that "I can't park there! You're gonna have to take it to a different place"... I am thinking, is she joking? WHAT? Screw that... but then the nice Heather comes out, and says Ok, where do you want it... she says that it is only 10 km's away... I think, that isn't bad... ok.. I tell her that I shouldn't be charged for the km's, and she says "It isn't recorded in Km, it is miles!" - who cares, I just don't want to f'n pay for them! dumb cow... at this point I am getting mad... she draws us this map, shoves it over the counter and looks at us... I take the map, give it to Cat and we take off, like a herd of turtles... 25 - 30 minutes later, we drop the U-haul off by Marlborough Mall (we were by the Ikea by my house!) . I tell Jeff, the man who oozes honey at the U-haul counter, about how Lisa from the other place was a total cow to me... I don't normally complain, and I GET that she was busy, but give me a break, there are ways to approach these things, and she just does not approach them with any class! Ok, so the U-Haul fiasco is done... by the way, not one extra charge... even though I think I went over by like 30 klicks.... Gotta love Jeff!

Then it was off for the next adventure! We drove out by Chestemere to get my new little KITTY! I now have a kitten, his name is Meemo (thanks Anna, my sweet!). He is a little bitty man of a cat... no fear, he was attacking my feet last night as I puttered around in my disorganized mess of a house! He isn't afraid of the vacuum, and he follows me around, but at a distance, just out of arms reach and then he scampers away! (The house is getting better, once I have the upstairs done, I will be ok... just a few things to put away, like 20 boxes!!!!) He is part Siamese and orange tabby so he has this ginger/cream look about him... I think Sandra is coming over tonight to do a photo shoot! (Aren't you my darling, dear cuz???) I love my little kitty... thanks go out to Cat, the one who facilitated this union! You are always looking out for ways to make me happier... what can I say but... "IT'S BEER THIRTY BABY!!! WHOO HOO!". That covers it all!

So the new man in my life is Meemo... watch out Derek, he could just steal my heart! :o) And to make matters better, I feel a lot of closure with having gone to Nobleford, and knowing that Kevin is doing well. He is moving on, and that makes me happy... I only ripped his world apart for a short time... Gawd am I horrid! HA! Also, I had to tell Adam to piss off and not e-mail me anymore, he knew that I didn't want anything "romantic" with him, but he thought we would be friends... are you KIDDING ME???? If I wanted to be smothered, I would go and have a chat with my ex-mother-in-law... that makes me want to smother MYSELF!!! So he is now not talking to me (FINALLY... I literally had to tell him that I don't want him contacting me... EVER!) So he is pouting, and I am rejoicing... done and done... two men that were a part of my life, I can let go... make room for the new men in my life... (Derek and Meemo!). It was an emotional, cleansing, rewarding weekend... I accomplished a lot, and released a lot of "the broken pieces of my heart" that needed to be let go. I am satisfied. I am content... and I am excited to get home so that I can play with my Kitty and organize my kitchen... I am actually excited to get home and get to work... I am cutting out at 4:30 today! You better believe that I am home ASAP for the next while...

My little life is full of joy these days, and I just hope that the joy I feel spreads to those I love. So everyone, take a piece of my joy, because you shared with me when I was lacking... you gave me more than you know, and now that I am ME again, I want to say Thank you, and I love you! Thank you for helping me see that I am beautiful just the weird little way I am!

(Picture of my little Baby to come soon...)

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

My new philosophy!

So Saturday is the day.... I go and get my belongings from the "Matrimonial Home"... aka, the shop, or more affectionately the Corn Field (that spawns the Children of the Corn!). I am stressed about this, as I don't know what to expect... I don't know what I am getting, I don't know how he is going to react... I look totally different from when I left... I look a lot less frumpy, more polished, skinnier, happier, and more satisfied! Not sure what to expect, and anyone who knows me knows that I don't like going into situations that drastically effect me and not know what is going to happen... The elections for council nearly killed me, seriously! So, I guess what I am saying (for like the 40th time in my blog) that I am scared, nervous, apprehensive... I hate going into situations that I have little control over... I guess I could always call the RCMP if there is a problem! I am bringing Cathy and Devon with me though... Devon will distract him with her beauty and breasts, and Cathy will make him laugh and de-escalate the situation and I will take my crap, load it into the U-Haul and get GONE! I figure that D and Cat are great choices... they are both so laid back when it comes to crap like this, and they have both been there, so they know what it is like... Aunty J is totally pissed that she isn't allowed to be there. I told her that this is the consequence of her ROARING THROUGH THE HOUSE, and trying to rip things off the walls and floors... I said that next time she better behave! Anyways, this way, she can help Aunty Bonnie and Grandma with the BBQ at Bonnies for Jason and Pam... not sure what to expect from this... Jason reminds me of Tommy and Pam is an older Leigh Anne... should be good times! I think I will just get totally hosed and then it won't matter!

I have decided that my new idea, my new thoughts regarding living life involve passion. I have always felt that one should live life passionately, for it is passion that drives us, stirs us, motivates us. I need to live life with a passion that is unknown... at least to me. I can't say that there has been anything in my life that I would say I have been passionate about... ok, not true, in high school I was passionate about skating, and trying to save the planet... not sure that counts though, I blame that on the hormonal imbalance that one experiences at that age! When I was on council, I was passionate about getting my voice heard, changing policy with regards to persons with disabilities... not sure I made a difference, but then again, not sure I am done! I need to find that passion, that thing that stirs me, and when I work at it, completes me... I can't say what it is... maybe pottery (which I start soon... I think!), or guitar (starting in October, provided I get my guitar!). I know that I love traveling, and I do that passionately, but I need a passion that I can afford on a more regular basis! ha!

When I watch movies, I listen for sayings, quotes, poems that strike my attention... I love a good quote! Well the other day I heard one by Marianne Williamson... she says

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be?..."

WOW... who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous... that is something I ask myself everyday! Who am I to have what I have... and I thought it WAS inadequacy that was my deepest fear. But honestly, she is right... we fear ourselves, our capacity... we strive everyday to fulfill the goals of the day, to be successful in what we are doing in the now, and often we get sidetracked and blinded to what the future might hold... I know this well. But honestly, we are afraid to shine... it is the Light that frightens us. We are afraid to stand out, to be noticed and recognized... Who are we NOT to be fabulous and talented, gorgeous and brilliant... we should strive to excel... strive to achieve greatness, but we are scared... scared of failure, scared to step outside the box, scared to go above and beyond because it will become expected of us. Why should we not strive for greatness, and achieve it. I know that what ever I do, I want to be successful at it. Perhaps, that is why when I say I am going to do something I do it... I said I would get a University Degree, and I got it... I said that I would be married by 25 and I was, (never said that all things were beneficial!). I think that when you live a passionate life, you strive to make things better for you and others, and this is what I want... To live in the moment, be the best I can be but better... I want to be successful at everything I attempt... This is also the problem! I can't be good at everything, and perhaps this is what Marianne Williamson is saying... this is our fear, we can't do it all, be the best at everything, but why should that stop us... why should we be less than we are because we are scared. Maybe what she is saying is that when you live life with out the passion to be you, and soul you, then you don't fear. Who are you NOT to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Who are you, to not be who you truly are...

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Diet Coke anyone???

I need to inform the world... My company supplies me with my liquid drug... Diet Coke! It is a beautiful thing, anytime I want one, I walk to the kitchen, open the cooler and ta-da! A Diet Coke for Heather... it is a never ending supply of chilled heaven... perhaps many don't know this about me... but I LOVE DIET COKE! Aunty J knows, because she shares this addiction and Jennifer Webb knows, because she introduced it... but I am not certain that everyone knows that I am a D.C. lover! It has to be Coke, Diet Pepsi is just not the same... too sweet (I hear the gasps... yes there are things too sweet for even MY sweet tooth....) I just wanted to gloat in the fact that the place I work supports my addictions, and loves... it is a thing of beauty....

So, there is some news... I believe good news... I got a phone call Saturday night from Derek. It was really cute, and he said "I want to talk, I miss you". So, I called back and left a message (at 3 am... ooops!) and finally after some phone tag, we connected. We met last night to talk over drinks, (why can I not stop at one?) and we had a 5 - 6 hour conversation about what happened... how we could change it... what we know we want, or don't want... how we feel... it was the most honest, open, truthful conversation that I have ever been a part of... and it felt good. I believe that he heard what it is that I was saying... not only was he listening, but he was hearing... AND validating, being empathic and reiterating what I said. All in all, an A+ conversation! I think what was decided, is that we are going to be more honest, open, understanding, and communicate better. Admirable goals, I just hope we can achieve them. I missed so much about him.... his smile, his "it's not a black and white issue", the way he can make me see things from a different angle. I missed his hugs and kisses (Etc.....), but I missed how comfortable he makes me feel. I feel that I could tell him ABSOLUTELY anything, and I would be safe... I am not sure if that makes sense to anyone, but I don't have to worry about him throwing my honesty in my face, or telling someone else a secret I have told him... I just feel safe, and have always felt safe talking and being with him, and this has not been the case with anyone else. I know he would never ridicule me for being totally honest about something weird like my DEADLY fear of snakes or something. Perhaps this is one of the reasons he captivates me... heck, I don't know what it is about him that utterly captivates me... but he gets to me, it is like an addiction... it totally scares the crap out of me, but I can't get enough... I am an addict! So, that is what is going on in the land of Heather... which once again includes Derek, and it makes me happy because I feel that we understand what each other wants, expects, and needs, and I feel good about it.

So no philosophical internal debate today... can't leave you with an unanswerable question. But I will say this, screw what other people think... go with your gut, go with the flow, go with what you feel is right for you, because at the end of the day... that is who you are responsible to, that is who you ultimately have to answer to, and if you can't justify why you did something to YOURSELF, then what the heck are you doing. This is what I told myself last night, after being torn because of the advice I received, and the reaction I received when I first introduced Derek into my family world. But as time went on, and I thought about how I feel, and how he makes me feel, and I just said Screw this, I am going to do what I want, and the only person that ends up hurt if things go bad is me... so I say... Giddy-up cowboy... This bronc is ready to go!

Monday, August 21, 2006

Random Ramblings!

Time has passed, and I have had little time to reflect on the past weeks. Since I last wrote I have gone to Edmonton to visit my bestest friend in the whole world, Jennifer Webb and her husband (and my Cousins Jennifer and Kenny)... it was so wonderful to sit and chat with Jen (both of them). How lucky I am to see my best friend more than once this year. I feel so lucky. We had a great visit, and it was hard to leave but I know that I will see her in 4 months, so I am happy with that. It was good also to visit with Kenny and Jen, they are always so welcoming and willing to sit and listen and offer their advice. Kenny has been down the same road I am on and I find his advice invaluable.

I have also been go karting (in the rain). It was a total riot, and I recommend it to anyone who doesn't mind getting dirty, loves to go fast and squeel the tires.... whoo hoo! I went to the Farmers market with my cousins Cathy and Amy this past weekend, and it was nice to catch up with their goings on... they are so totally different, it is hard to believe that they are infact sisters. Then it was off to Calaway park with Cathy and her kids on Sunday. What a great way to spend a relaxing Sunday afternoon. I convinced Cathy to go on Chaos, the newest ride and what a ride it is. (Some how rides aren't as thrilling.... maybe the ride down outside the plane at 13000 ft. has something to do with it). I am certain that everyone I know is sick to death of hearing about skydiving... and I am just waiting until I can do it again. I wonder if it will be at all like I remember it.... thrilling, exhilarating, frightening, intense.... I am nervous, but you know what, if that is what I am meant to die doing, why not do it in style.... I know that what will be will be and if that is the end, then I nor anyone else could prevent it. It is not a risk I am taking, it is facilitating destiny.

One has to only look over the past 6 months of my blogging life to see the change, I see it myself... and wow, where did this person come from. I remember this time last year, I was just dealing with the accident (can't believe it has been a year), and slowly falling deeper into the pit of depression I was in. I don't believe that I had realized what a problem I had at this point, I think that began in October, and more specifically at the AUMA. That was a trip... getting told what I could and could not do, who I could and could not talk to... glad that chapter of my life is over. I wonder if he even realizes he does that, or if he honestly thinks he was helping me. I guess I will always wonder. I got the package of full disclosure on Friday (all of the financial documentation of his that he had to disclose)... what an interesting day that was, looking over and seeing our past, and how frugal it was living from paycheck to paycheck... I don't miss it, not one bit... I am not even sure if I would have been satisfied if he had moved here with me, not sure if that would have yielded a different result, but honestly I never thought that was an option so I didn't even play that scenario in my head. What a weird year this has been... trying, painful, exciting, full of growth and acceptance and understanding of who I am.

What I want now is someone to do stuff with. I thought I found this in Adam the Agrologist... but he got clingy really quickly and so I had to let that ship sail. I want a compadre, a partner who wants to do the exact things that I want, and who brings new ideas to the table. I know it may not be much to ask, but you try finding that in a crowd of a million people. I don't know if I want all the lovey dovey crap that comes with a relationship, I just want to be treated like a friend first, like someone can confide in me and I in them. Really, all I want is someone to watch a movie with and go to dinner with, and Calaway park, and random road trips... I want a friend that is devoted to me, and even though they have their own life, would love for me to be a part of it.... didn't think that was so much to ask for. The more I get excited about Peru, the more I think of Derek. I miss the good times, when we did things together... when it was good, it was exactly what I wanted, what I needed. But he went distant and I can't handle being ignored. There is a small part of me that wants to call him and say "Hey lets hang out!" but I know there will be a time when he shuts down again and I can't do that, I can't sacrifice myself for anyone... not now, not ever... and so I set him free to find a more "tolerant" human. Good luck to you buddy! I know that I will find someone here who is on the same wave length as me. Maybe the guy in Visa, he is cute... he seems awfully shy though, and I don't know if I could play with another shy guy... I want someone vivacious, like that Tom guy... he was fun. Why did I blow that one?

The more I think of it, the more I realize that life is NEVER what you expect it to be. I wanted my life after I left to be full of excitement and adventure, and it has been for the most part, but really can every moment of every day be exciting? Can laundry be exciting? Can doing the dishes? or scrubbing the tub? I am certain they can, I just have to find something that makes it so... Cathy has the right idea... why not wear a tiara while mowing the lawn? Why not wear an obscenely large, feathery hat getting groceries. It is those small things in life that pull you through until your next adventure begins. Life IS never what you expect, but honestly, why should it be... that is the excitement isn't it? If it was expected, then wouldn't it be boring? Why would you continue on your journey if what you expected to happen always happened... Like when you go to an art gallery... you expect you will like the art, but sometimes, it is repulsive, and sometimes it makes you blush... sometimes it captures your attention and you just don't know why... that is what life is, unexpected, and it should be. I would much rather live a life that is unexpected and exciting than expected and boring. My question to you bloggers, is what makes it so unexpected... what makes it so unknown.... I love to think about how others lives, whom I do not know, affect mine. It is so interesting to sit and think about. I wonder often what the Transit drivers life is like... I depend on him/her everyday to get to work... their life touches mine in a very real way and I don't even know what they look like.... or the person who makes my double tall no-fat, no-whip mocha at starbucks... do they know that their job makes my day that much better... I bet they don't. So, I challenge you... all of you... thank the people who leave their tiny marks on your life on a daily basis. If you see the mail man, Thank him or her.... even though the bring you bills, they are the reason you can still have running water... or satellite.... or thank the gas jockey, even though it costs you your first born to fill up your tank, they make it possible for you to go about your daily routine. Thank the people that leave little imprints on your day, because I assure you, thanking them will leave a big imprint on their day. Something to ponder.....

Friday, August 04, 2006

Steps we take

I promised myself that I would be honest in my blog, true to myself in life.... I feel I have already strayed. I was not honest with myself in what is realistic

Derek and I are no more, and I have shed enough tears to know that it is for the best. We are different people with different goals in life (some of us have goals, some of us refuse to make any!). I won't lie and say that I am not hurt.... I am extremely hurt, but I just can't deal with not knowing how someone feels, and not knowing what is going on in their world. I like the comfort of having someone close to me who is interested in what goes on with me. What stresses me, what brings me joy, what to do when I am sad. I feel that Derek was unable to do this for me, and by shutting me out, I was unable to do that for him. I am sorry that things ended the way they did, I am sorry that we couldn't talk about it. I am very sorry that I wasn't given another option. Thanks for the good times, we had a few. Thank you for the inspiration and motivation to explore who it is I am and what it is I want.

We all travel different roads, and every once and awhile we meet people who grace our paths for brief moments on this journey. They often have wise things to pass on to you, and motivate you or push you in a direction you might not have gone in. I have had many people in my life that have done this, Maureen from G.P, she taught me that you don't have to be young to have fun.... and sometimes the hardest things to do are the most worth it in the end, that is what she taught me. Kari from G.P and Leth.... she helped me when Joe and I broke up... not sure what would have happened if she hadn't convinced me that I should leave. Might have felt the true wrath of that man. Then there was Debbie and Jen in Lethbridge, they were my rock when I needed to go and party, and they were awesome when I needed help getting ready for major events... they offered advice and wisdom, but kicked me in the ass and asked me the hard questions too. People tend to come into my life and grace me with their knowledge and passion when I need it the most, and for this, I am eternally grateful.

Life is such a graceful thing, sometimes you wander, happily almost floating in this euphoric, zen like state, and others you stumble around grumbling profanity. I want to be a floater... I want to have life in the clutches of my hands, squeezing experience, culture, and love out, but also I want to experience sadness, and sorrow, because without these, the good things aren't as good, they aren't as fulfilling! My only goal in life as a whole is to be happy with no regrets, to try everything on my list once... some of them I might just do again (hey, just because I lost my skydiving instructor, doesn't mean I can't do it!)... Try to travel to every destination I can dream of.... My goal is to live.

So, in continuing my goal I move forward, sadly and with a heavy heart I move forward. I like to look at my "Quote Corner" from time to time and reflect on some of the quotes that have struck me.... one strikes me in particular today, it was by Sigmund Freud...

He said "One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful".

I am not sure if he was coked up when he wrote this, but there is some merit in it. I think what makes us who we are, are the experiences we have, the steps we have taken. Sometimes, as I know well, these steps are not gold laden... they are hard and cruel. When you reflect on what has gotten you to where you are, you can't help but be thankful. I know I can't... How could I, I have a job I look forward to going to each day, I live in a city that has captured my attention in a way I thought no city would... I have a fabulous family who support me... I am on my own, stepping out into that scary world, and I am loving every minute of it. So I can see what Freud ment, I can dig it. Although I think that man had some severe problems, he couldn't have been entirely wrong as we still study him... all I know, is that retrospect is honestly something to reflect on, and as I have said before, we are but the sum of our experiences. Freud knew this, and he knew that when you look back on the things you have done, the ones that seem to stand out are the ones that were the most traumatic, difficult and painful. These experiences are also what makes us grow so much more than we thought possible. It is also in these times that you have people who gently walk along your path, hold your hand for a while and steer you in a different direction, a better direction. Be thankful for these people, they too help shape who you are.

So Thank you Kari, Debbie and Jen, and Thank you Derek for I believe that you are one of the people who has walked gently into my life, helped me explore adventure and you took me to places no one else has, spiritually, mentally, physically... you will forever be a good memory... I am sad to say goodbye, but glad that we had the time we did. Thank you for being a part of my journey, thank you for walking along my path for but a brief time. You will be missed!

Monday, July 31, 2006

What a shin-dig!!!

Got back last night from Vilna/St. Paul... What a good time! Visited with the entire family it seemed, although they weren't all there, I got bits and pieces of the missing one's goings on, so I am good for a while, I've done my duty! It was great to see so many of them, some I haven't seen in years... some that flew in from Ontario just for the weekend, just for a visit. Was so great to see them all. I felt so included and 'grown-up' and that is hard for the 18th grandchild to feel, especially when most of the others have children and spouses... then there is me... not the only divorcee in the bunch... there is one more but it is more acceptable for a guy to be divorced in this family then a girl... such old fashioned stigmas.

Not sure what is going on with the world of love... I have relaxed, cleared my head, realized my over-reaction (as always) but I will not ignore how I felt. I felt that for a reason, what it is I am not sure, but it was valid at that point in time. I just think that I am scared that I will fall into the same trap that I was in before, and that is stupid, because I am in a totally different place, with a totally different bloke, so why would I be scared. I think that is why I reacted so strongly, I wanted to make sure I would be heard, wanted to not just stand back and ignore how I felt. Think I went a little overboard, but I am just figuring this out as I go... I just don't want to F this up... don't want him to go away one day and never come back. I just hope he understands! I just hope he knows how I feel... I hope I can communicate that one of these days.

So I was talking with my mom and a gentleman that we knew in Hay River recently passed away. He was a prominent figure in that community, he will be sorely missed. His legacy is far reaching, and he has left little pieces of himself dispersed in many hearts through out the country. His motto was "Dream Big, no extra charge!" and it fit totally into his personality, a light hearted, hard working, quiet, true gentleman. What a motto though, if you think about it... there is no harm in dreaming big, there is no cost to you for dreaming big... the only thing that will happen is that you will succeed, and if you don't, there in no harm, no foul in having that dream. That is certainly a quote to add to the collection. In memory of him, in motivation for me. He has left an impression on me, and will forever.

"Dream Big, no extra charge" words to never forget from a man whom I will never forget.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Crazy little thing...

Well, I want to give props to the woman who after 13 years, decided that her health and her children's health are far more important than the unfortunate person she married... Thank you! You are so strong and brave. This road is not going to be easy, things worth it normally aren't. You are so solid in your faith, never let that waiver. You are solid and strong... you are inspiring. Although you may not feel like you are, man have you taught me a thing or two about patience, understanding, love, strength, honesty, friendship... you have truly impacted my life because of the strong beautiful woman you are. So thank you for the lessons, thank you for the love... I know that I was put here, at this time, at this place to help you in any way I can... don't forget that!

Things for the past week have been iffy... Had a super visit with Tom and Leigh Anne and the beautiful little kiddletts! It seemed like the first time in a long time, we got along... and I think that is because I am healthy and strong and not letting them get to me, and not necessarily agreeing with what they are saying, it was great to talk with them and not fight... I really enjoyed their visit. The best part though (other than the kids of course) was when Tom and Leigh Anne and I went out, I realized I needed a little AA in my life... and boy could AA dance... flipped me over like I was a pancake... had me twirling like a tornado... I can't remember having that much fun just dancing... it was such a good time, I hated to see it end... maybe I will run into AA another Ranchmans night... beer-thiry HONKY TONK TIME..... It was great. I am glad that the communication lines have been opened with those two... one checked off the list... three to go!

Feeling a little lost in the realm of love. Feeling a little sad and left out, but also like a total putz. I can't help but feel how I feel, but I can't help but understand the actions that make me feel this... I am at a crossroads, and only time will tell what the outcome will be... only time will tell!

I feel that despite the amount that I have grown in the last 8 months... I still have no clue how to deal with how I feel. I have no idea how to tell someone they are making me mad, or sad, or happy... I am always at a loss when it comes to communicating how I feel and why I feel it. I guess that comes from years of ignoring how I feel, and how important that actually is, and taking on other's worries and cares. I am sick of surrounding myself with selfish people, people who make me feel little and sad. People who want parts of me it seems, but are not sure how to deal with the side that is somewhat less 'stable'....

Heading off for a family due tomorrow in Vilna/St. Paul. Should be a good time, I hope. Lots of family there, I am hoping that they are all over the "so How are you doing?" questions and on to the "Wow, you look fab, what is your trick" and I will say "get divorced... It solved most of my problems... hahaha!" and we will laugh like it is actually funny! I guess I should stash the divorce jokes for a weekend... not sure mom or dad like them... they think they are tacky and tasteless... I like to think I left tacky and tasteless in Nobleford... can't say that though, he did after all pick me (the one with the apparent mental disorder... I am sure that I am working on another gent that thinks that right now too!). Anyways, the point, yes I have one, is that I am excited to see my family, excited to get just hosed and dance the night away ( again!) but I am apprehensive, because with this side, I have to be careful what I show. I would never, for example compare Kevin and his family to the Children of the corn infront of them but I do it all the time here... infact, that is what the Nieboers are known as, as the Children of the corn, or the Cult leaders... all in good fun! I am just worried that the guilt of my apparent 'failure' will return when I talk to them. I fear that the guilt will come back when I talk to my parents. They are almost the only beings on the planet that can make me feel like crap by saying two words... I am just scared that they will make me feel bad.

But, I need to remember that life is a collection of moments, some are better than others, as long as you fill most of those moments with joy, you will lead a happy life. I need to remember that my life is mine, and if I don't like what they say, I need to stand strong, and believe in my heart. Be true to me. Vive la vie!

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

I am totally Capricorn!

Capricorn For way too long, the misconception that you have to fit in has been dictating your behavior. Even if you haven't realized it, you've been subtly editing yourself and altering your attitude, thinking that will get you farther. What you may fail to realize is that who you are is defined in part by how you're different from everyone else. Do things your own way today -- you'll meet little, if any, resistance. Strike out and show everyone the real you.

This is the horoscope for today... and how fitting. Didn't I JUST have this conversation with Sandra and Aunty J the other night? How what makes me so wonderful is because I am so weird(their words not mine!). How crazy to have this pop up on my screen today. I don't BELIEVE in horoscopes, I find them amusing, entertaining and sometimes bang on to what is going on in my life! Crazy days when that happens.

Sometimes it rains, sometimes it drizzles... Sometimes it pours. With me there is no inbetween either it is sunny and beautiful, or it is pouring down all sorts of nastiness.... this was yesterday. It was a shaky weekend. Next door is kind of a stressful situation for all involved, and since I live so close... I get it by default. I DON'T mind... It feels good to help out someone with my 'experience' on the issue... It is just draining to all involved, and is nasty, hard, and sad... not good. So that was my weekend... Tiring! On Friday I got a letter from my lawyer saying that HIS lawyer is bailing on him and referring him to a "matrimonial specialist" due to 'contentious issues'. The only contentious issues there are is that he has to give me my crap and sign the bloody papers at the appropriate time, on the appropriate line. SO, I called good ol' Johnny the lawyer yesterday and now we are going to court. I have to go to court to get my freaking Guitar and skates... stupid, stupid man... I am not going for just those things now... I am going for 1/2 of everything... it was like one of the colonel's who bombed Pearl harbor said "We have woken a sleeping giant"... He may have been married to me, but he has no idea what I am capable of... I have already submitted the legal land description of his house... 1/2 the increase of value... now MINE... 1/2 the belongings in the house... now MINE... the inheritance... 1/2 MINE!!!! I could go on.... So, after talking with John, I called my Dad to tell him what is going on... I proceeded to talk to him about Tom and how sad he makes me. I kind of lost it.... but I need to take that up with Tom (as I told Dad).

You see, random world... I was a push over for my entire life... my ENTIRE life... and now, I am realizing how easily swayed I was. The only time in my life I actually stood up for what I wanted was in Bio 30 when I REFUSED to dissect that fetal pig. You know what, I stand by that decision still. I am not sure, looking back if I would have gone to College/University... not right away... I had a lot of fun, met a lot of great people, even shockingly enough learned something... but I had, and still don't have, the foggiest idea of what I want to do with this life of mine. Somedays I want to be a roaming bum and travel across Canada (and the world) working in little places to make enough to get by... but that 'corporate' training I have etched in me (from God only knows where...) tells me that I should save and then go on an 'adventure'... work myself to the point of snapping, then take a vacation to some place exotic... then do it all over again. Conflicted. I feel I am always conflicted.

I guess the point of this entry is that I am finding stuff out about myself that I never knew before... I have come to the root of why people have manipulated me for so long, and am changing it. I am such a trusting person, and will not give that up, but I will not let people pull me into their direction, either unless I want to go.... I am sturdy and strong, and I feel it is for the first time I can honestly say ever. I am scared to death, but I know I will be so much happier, healthier, and fulfilled if I follow MY path, beliefs and dreams, and not chase someone else's. That is my lesson learned today... I just hope I can stick to it!